Excerpt about relationships from "A Woman's Way ..."

From "A Woman's Way through the Twelve Steps", by Stephanie S. Covington, Ph.D.:

Even our relationships themselves may have become addictive. We may have become so enmeshed in our relationships ... that we lost our own identity. We became intensely focused on "protecting our supply" or avoiding "withdrawal" from the attention, sex, status, companionship, or whatever else we received from the relationship.

This sense of desperation -- Why hasn't he called? Is she thinking about me? How can I be more pleasing, more likely to get what I want? -- does not allow for genuine relationships, for true intimacy and mutual caring.

As long as we stayed in a self-shaming state, disconnected from our true value and worthiness, we continued to seek relationships that gave us the same message that we gave ourselves: that we're hopeless, inept, and lacking in some elusive quality that everyone else seems to have. It was a vicious circle that ended with out journey through the Steps.

The source of our suffering and often of our addition was in our attachments, the relationships in which we hoped to find satisfaction and a sense of worth. But it is one of the paradoxes of recovery that while our relationships caused us pain and sufering, our relationships are also going to heal us.

I don't know about other lady alcoholics, but that section hit me like a train. It accurately describes the relationship problems I faced as an alcoholic and in early recovery. I did lose my identity. I was in a self-shaming state. I did think I was helpless and inept. And I did seek satisfaction and a sense of self worth through my relationship ... which suffocated it. None of that was his fault -- it was something that I developed over time. (WARNING: Ladies, regardless of how terrible or lost you feel, never ever mention a word of it to your significant other. Be "sunshiny and perfect" around them 24/7. Of course, this is difficult to do if you've lost your identity in your relationship and feel like a worthless piece of crap. But listen: If you absolutely must confide in someone, then find another female alcoholic who understands your situation, and confide in THEM. If you weigh your burdens on your significant other, you will freak them out and they will leave you -- which will make you feel like an even MORE worthless piece of crap. Just my advice ... I learned the hard way.)

But you won't see this addressed in the Big Book. Most 12-Step programs were built for men, who tend to have completely different psychological struggles than ladies do. Women have different relationship issues and face a different set of social and cultural judgments than men do, and most 12-Step programs often neglect to address these differences. This book relates these 12-Step programs to women's needs. I highly recommend it to all of the lady alcoholics out there. You can get the book here.