Musings regarding purpose and hope

i haven't kept a journal since i was a kid, and this is personal stuff, so i'm reluctant to share it ...

i've failed to be the strong person that i need to be ... i've failed to be a NORMAL person ... i feel so broken, so helpless, so lifeless ....

it makes me stop and wonder about my purpose in life, and why my mind is filled with haze ... i've never felt so lost before. it's like i'm watching life happen as if it were a bad dream, too scared to act out. i watch situations unfold before me and feel powerless to influence them. i look down at my hands and remember their ability to build or destroy, and realize that my life itself has that same power. my very existance can build good things, or it can destroy good things. right now, i'm destroying good things, and wondering why i can't stop.

i've been drinking alot. i've tried to stop numerous times, but have been unsuccessful. although i was able to stop drinking for 12 days -- that's the best i've done so far.

i don't know what to do ... i don't know who to turn to ... but i can't bear to see everything continuing to crumble before me ... my hands can't fix it, and my heart is becoming more and more crushed, and that bottle is looking more and more like a savior ... if i drink enough, it will end everything ... if i can't fix it, oh please let it end ...


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POST SCRIPT:

October 29, 2006 - A Year Later - Now Six Months Sober

I wrote this entry drunk. One would think that someone this desperate to stop drinking would be ABLE to stop drinking. But after I wrote this entry, I continued to drink even harder than before. Things got much worse. This entry illustrates the insanity of alcoholism and the hopelessness it generates. It's a miracle that I survived three more months of that worsening desperate state to get into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This entry mentions that I was unable to get sober or to experience peace in my life, and I wanted to die. Today, I can honestly say that my life is completely turned around. I don't have to drink anymore. I have the desire to live. I'm learning how to be helpful to others. I experience serenity and contentment, even when things don't go my way. Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the tools I need to live a successful sober life. If it can do that for me, it can do it for anyone.