They Tell Me to Keep Coming Back

and this too shall pass

2008-04-21T21:37:00.006-04:00

After a lovely weekend, it was time to make the three-hour drive back home. I know this drive well. I take the same familiar route almost every weekend.

I headed out west on a beautiful day. Puffy, white clouds floated through the blue sky. There was a hint of rain on the horizon ahead.

Brand new green grass waved in the rolling fields. Spring flowers were scattered everywhere -- in the fields, in the trees. It was a gorgeous spring day and a delightful drive.

I rounded a turn, dipped down into a hill, and climbed upward. Upon reaching the hill's crest, the clouds in the distance suddenly seemed uncomfortably dark, close, and foreboding.

The hint of rain showers gave way to a storm. The storm was heading my way, and I was heading its way. We would soon meet on the road.

The closer I got, the darker the clouds seemed. Bold strikes of lightning ripped through the sky. Thunder rattled my mirrors. Wind tore through the trees.

I considered taking a detour. But even if I did, I would still be stuck driving in the storm.

I considered turning around. But even if I did, the storm would have followed me.

I considered stopping. But even if I did, I would be stuck in the storm and making no progress.

So I steadily traveled on the trusted route that I knew would take me home. First, there were only a few sprinkles. But then as quick as a switch, an unforgiving torrent blasted the road.

I was nervous while driving through the storm. I was scared of the storm itself. Nature is a force best left unchallenged. I was scared of the other drivers around me. Traffic is a hazard best left untrusted.

I kept driving. The rain would start to ease, but immediately pour down again. I wondered how long this storm would last.

But slowly the lightning became less frequent, the downpour eased to harmless sprinkles, and the wind became gentle once again. The clouds brightened and thinned to reveal the beautiful blue sky hidden behind them. It had been there all along. Hidden, but there.

And once again, brand new green grass waved in the rolling fields. Spring flowers were scattered everywhere -- in the fields, in the trees. It was a gorgeous spring day and a delightful drive, again.

I realized my experience driving through the storm is very similar to weathering life's storms. There is always the instinct to turn away from the trusted road when I find myself in undesirable situations. But I know the way to go.

When weathering a storm, I must keep doing the next right thing: "And this too shall pass."

live usefully, walk humbly

2008-03-31T21:39:00.004-04:00

"Still more wonderful is the feeling that we do not have to be specially distinguished among our fellows in order to be useful and profoundly happy. Not many of us can be leaders of prominence, nor do we wish to be. Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things -- these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes. True ambition was not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God."

--Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124

I read this the other day at a meeting. It's what I'm trying to think about during my day.

Just checking in. I'm still sober, still employed, still looking for a job in another city, still engaged ... not much changes around here except for my attitude and outlook.

There are ups and downs but it all averages out well.

"let there be jerks"

2008-03-09T10:24:00.005-04:00

If only God had left that ingredient out!

Just checking in. Still alive. Still sober. Don't have anything else to say ...

need a job? apply directly to the website, apply directly to the website, apply directly to the website

2008-02-07T21:07:00.001-05:00

Apply at fifty thousand websites, and maybe you'll get a call back within the next year or so. At least, that's how it feels sometimes. Most employers won't take paper applications anymore -- it's all done online, which reduces the face-to-face interaction that many job seekers would like. First impressions used to be personal. Now they're Word documents. I'm just one of a million résumés floating around in cyberspace. Plus it's not exactly encouraging to read that the US lost 17,000 jobs last month. I get to compete with those people too.

But I am grateful that I can meet this opportunity head on (pun intended), without retreating to a bottle. When I graduated from college, I was drinking. I only applied to two or three places within a four-month span. I was afraid to apply because I was afraid of rejection. When nobody responded to my applications, I gave up the job search and got a job in retail. I had to apply online for that job too, lol!

So now, I've lost count of how many applications I've completed within the past month. I usually find one or two each day. I don't fear the rejection anymore. I choose to see it as "God doing for me what I cannot do for myself" -- eliminating the jobs where I don't belong. It's not so bad when looking at it that way.

I can't wait to relocate. I really want to be with my fiancé. I just wish one of these employers would respond to my application. Or perhaps, I need to apply to the "right" place ...

You know, I didn't pray for patience for a reason. I don't like lessons in patience. I don't want lessons in patience. But maybe we just learn what God wants us to learn, when He wants us to learn it. "Not my will but Yours be done."

a big change

2008-01-30T23:07:00.000-05:00

My boyfriend and I got engaged :)

I haven't posted much because I've been so busy. Engagement and wedding planning etiquette has always been uncharted territory for me. Some ladies plan their weddings during their childhood and teenage years, but I was pessimistic and afraid to hope for good things. Me, a bride? Ha! Never.

But now that an actual wedding is on the horizon, I am discovering that there is so much to do. It's a good thing we are planning a spring 2009 wedding!

My fiancé moved to a city 3 hours away last fall. So I'm looking for a job there. I'm not having any luck yet. It's discouraging, but that's okay.

I've never been engaged before. I've lived here in this town since I was 6 years old. I've lived in this house with my parents for 15 years. This is my first time to leave their house. It's also my first time to move to a new city.

New relationship situation, new living situation, new city, new job. There is some amount of fear in all of that. It's not a bad thing -- it's just a big change.

We've gone to some AA meetings in the new city. I like them -- everyone is really nice. The meetings there are similar in structure and atmosphere, so there is no "culture shock". They have an Alano club that hosts meetings every day at various times. That's great since I don't know my way around town yet -- I can go to one place for all of my meetings.

Thanks to all who emailed and posted comments. I will try to write when I can. Still staying sober with God's help, one day at a time.

'tis the season

2007-12-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

"I'm ready for my close-up!"

I'm grateful, very grateful.

I was walking my dog the other night, and something dawned on me. His ability to forgive and love is amazing.

While we were walking, I realized that he didn't care about the things I did a few hours earlier that hurt his feelings: I took his half-destroyed toy (choking hazard) away. I "shushed" him for barking. I scolded him for stealing a sock from the laundry.

He's very expressive, so it was plain to see that the chastisements hurt his feelings. He sulked for a few minutes, but he didn't hold it against me. He forgave me almost immediately. He was happy -- as if nothing had gone wrong.

I realized that when people upset me, I hold it against them. I'll harbor the resentment until I fall apart. I stay miserable the entire time.

But watching my dog reminded me that forgiveness brings happiness. He has no pride or ego -- he just has love in its most pure form. I think we are all born with that kind of love, and it's a good goal to love unconditionally like that again.

What a beautiful example.

It reminds me of the prayer, "God, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."

Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

being sober
my family
my sweet dog
my job
being able to buy gifts for loved ones
being healthy
learning new things
God, because He sends messages in such obvious ways that they're easy to miss ...

ALL of them?

2007-12-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

I went to a meeting about the 6th step today:

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

These defects are supposed to be highlighted when we do steps 4 and 5 (In the 4th step, we conduct an honest moral inventory of ourselves. In the 5th step, we confess the exact nature of our wrongs to God and to another person).

So it makes sense that after seeing our behavior patterns for step 4 and sharing them with someone for step 5, we would have the desire to become better people for step 6.

For the glaring and obviously harmful defects, we immediately feel the desire to change. But the other less harmful defects don't bring about the same sense of urgency.

Today, we read in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions:

"Self-righteous anger also can be very enjoyable. In a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority," (p. 67).

If someone had asked me last week if I engage in self-righteous anger, I would have denied it. But after reading this passage today, I see that I've been using this defect for quite some time now, especially at work.

In fact, it's the only reason I haven't walked out the door yet. The job has become such an annoyance that it has almost become a source of entertainment. "I will be nicer if you will be smarter" is a subconscious mantra. I have felt this way at other jobs before ... I'm starting to see a pattern.

I'm grateful to be sober today ... and I'm grateful to be tired enough to go to bed too ...

in the cold

2007-11-25T21:33:00.000-05:00

This turned out to be a weekend of gratitude.

I got to ride with my boyfriend on his motorcycle in the cold for the first time. The wind chill was about 25°F (-3°C) for the 150-mile (241 km) ride. That may not sound so bad, but man it was cold! I'm glad to have the experience. I've never been more grateful for a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

While we were out of town, we went to a meeting. They read Dr. Bob's story from the Big Book ("Dr. Bob's Nightmare"). The thing that really caught my attention was the prohibition part.

Around here, alcohol is prominently displayed in all gas stations, convenience stores, grocery stores, and markets. It's virtually everywhere. You can't avoid it. Newcomers have a really hard time with it and often share that they wish they weren't constantly bombarded with bottles every time they try to buy groceries or gas.

Well Dr. Bob was a guy who spent years trying to stop drinking, and then like a miracle, the government outlawed alcohol. Surely that would fix his problem. He was essentially given every AA newcomer's dream -- alcohol was removed from public view. But even so, Dr. Bob still found other ways to obtain alcohol and also started taking pills, which made things worse.

It illustrates that the problem isn't with alcohol, it's with the alcoholic. It's insanity. When alcohol is removed, our natural tendency is to find other ways to continue self-destructive behavior. I'm not sure if the alcoholic's obsession is really with alcohol ... I think the obsession is with self-destruction.

Tonight, I went on my first 12-step call. I didn't know what to expect, but I'm glad I went. She talked about her obsession with self-destruction. The alcohol was just a tool. I hope she will soon believe that she is worthy of treating herself well and living a good life. Learning to love yourself is the hardest part.

I'm grateful to be sober today, and that I don't want to self-destruct.

thanksgiving 2007 finale

2007-11-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

I cooked my first Thanksgiving meal today.

Whoever says that Thanksgiving is a relaxing holiday should be shot.

That is all.

happy thanksgiving

2007-11-21T23:40:00.000-05:00

"Where's Big Bird?"

My favorite Thanksgiving picture.

Tonight's meeting turned into a gratitude meeting, which makes most people squirm in their seats and want to leave. I'm not sure why people are so aversive . I guess once you've heard one gratitude meeting, you've heard them all.

Sometimes it helps to hear someone else share about their gratitude. They point out things that I've taken for granted.

Like one of my friends can eat now. He had a tube in his stomach last Thanksgiving due to chemo. He couldn't eat for almost a whole year. I've never had that kind of medical problem, so that's something I take for granted.

Another friend is no longer having to coordinate getting her teenage son in and out of jail and into and out of treatment centers. I don't have any kids or family members in that situation, so that's something I take for granted.

And everyone really has something unique to say ... but I don't really feel like I have anything unique to contribute.

Looking back over the past year through this blog, I can see how I have changed. Some is positive and some is negative. I've learned what I need to do to grow and to be happy. But my thinking tends to be more cynical. (But I call it "realistic" ... the truth is, life is a mixture of good and bad things. In the end, it fulfills an ultimately good purpose. But the bad parts really suck.)

I'm thankful to be sober, to have my family, to have friends, to have a relationship with God, to have a job, to have a roof over my head, to have good health, and to occasionally have the clarity to find gratitude for things overlooked.

a dozen roses brighten any day

2007-11-19T21:59:00.001-05:00

And today, I am grateful ...

to be sober
that I still have my family
that we all had a nice weekend
that I got to have lunch with my wonderful boyfriend
for the beautiful flowers my boyfriend gave me today. All of my coworkers' husbands got in trouble ... ("My husband hasn't given me flowers in years!")
to get a refresher course on cooking dressing
for my nice warm bed
that I can look back in this blog and see patterns and trends in my behavior ... I realize the blog has been more about work lately and less about AA. Part of that is because work has become more important. As a result, I'm not as happy overall as I used to be. Hrm ... pattern?
for God, because His plans cannot be derailed.

clocked out for the weekend

2007-11-16T18:04:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I made it through another week at Dr. Evil's Corporate Office.

There is so much to complain about ... but there is so much to be grateful for:

I'm sober
I get to go to my homegroup meeting tonight
I get to spend the weekend with people I love
Hopefully my parents will get to meet my boyfriend's mom this weekend
I have a job to go back to Monday morning. It sucks, but it's better than nothing.
God sees the big picture, and He's not freaking out

the lost Dr. Seuss poem

2007-11-14T18:28:00.000-05:00

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, she is the best!
I love her boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!

Thank God for meetings ... I'm about to snap.

Actually, my boss is great. And her bosses are great. It's just the rest of the company (and the mean, cruel policies) that I can't stand.

I have one of those Human Resources positions where I constantly witness extreme disparity.

One minute, a clerk making $6/hour calls to ask why she wasn't issued any vacation for the year, because she hurt her back and our company doesn't provide Sick time to clerks. I have to explain that she didn't work enough hours to earn the vacation ... she missed it by a few hours. She complains, asks me how she's going to pay her bills, and hangs up scared.

The next minute, a millionaire executive calls to complain that he was only issued 4 weeks of vacation instead of 6 -- and how is that $250,000 bonus going to affect his 401-k? I want to beat the bloody hell out of him, and let the clerk throw a few punches too.

The disparity pisses me off. The policies are bullshit. They're designed to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. I simply can't put up with it anymore. It's wrong. It isn't fair.

I understand that every company operates like this, but I wish I worked in a position where I didn't have to see it. Because when I see it, I want to do something to fix it ... but I can't. Nobody listens, nobody cares.

And that sucks.

I'm not cut out for this type of job. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can't wait to leave.

eleven eleven o'seven

2007-11-11T18:48:00.000-05:00

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

--Albert Einstein

When I read that quote today, it reminded me of the third step prayer:

"God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

--Big Book, p. 63

Living outside of self ... It's been difficult to do that lately, because I haven't been getting my way.

People don't treat me the way I think they should. Things don't go according to plan. I fall short of my own expectations. I'm afraid to be honest with my feelings. Uncertainty is stressful. The environment at work is demoralizing.

Yeah, other people are experiencing problems too. But what about me? That attitude is selfish and conceited ... but honest. It's the "bondage of self".

And I'm told that when I feel this way, I need to pray and get outside of self ... that is when a person starts to live.

murphy's law

2007-11-01T22:35:00.000-04:00

It's just been one of those weeks.

The repeating theme of every day is that no matter how hard I try or how good I do -- something always blows up in the end.

The stress is getting to me. I went to work shaking this morning. Had a headache all day.

When I came home, I started a project to make some curtains. I'm no seamstress by any stretch of the imagination. It took 45 minutes to figure out how to properly thread the sewing machine. And I had the instruction manual. Heh. So I'm no Einstein by any stretch of the imagination either.

After two hours of measuring, pinning, and sewing, I was done. Finally. I did something right after a whole week filled with failure.

The curtains just needed to be ironed to get the wrinkles out.

I recently bought a new iron, but I wasn't familiar with the dial yet. As I lowered the iron to the edge of the curtains, the nylon fabric floated up and melted instantly on the iron's surface. The fabric was ruined. I wanted to cry. Not again!

And that cycle of frustration has been repeating on loop all week. One thing after another, and it all adds up. I've never had so many things go wrong before.

They say "Life isn't about what happens to you, it's about how you react to it."

I didn't drink. I didn't beat anyone up. I didn't walk out on the job. I didn't insult or swear at anyone (out loud), though I really wanted to.

Nothing this week was ruined beyond repair. I turned right around and made things right. Sometimes it took some help from other people, which hurts my pride, but that's okay. Maybe that's why so many things went wrong ...

As for now, I have a headache again. It's time for bed.

used

2007-10-18T13:31:00.000-04:00

Well apparently I've done a very good job at work. I received an excellent job review and lots of praise from my supervisor and bosses.

The impossible project they assigned to me is going well, despite the fact that I'm having to reinvent the wheel to make it happen.

I started to feel unappreciated though, when I didn't receive a salary increase with my job review. They said it was because I was promoted within the past six months, so I got my salary increase at that time instead. I didn't really like that answer, but I didn't say anything and went along with it anyway.

And then they issued the company-wide bonus checks yesterday. It's the big Annual Bonus Check. The magical check. The check everyone looks forward to receiving -- the Mark Grizwold fantasy bonus check (see the movie "Christmas Vacation").

Mine was for $25. Everyone else's was for much, much more.

I can't help but feel terribly insulted ... I didn't get a performance raise, I didn't get a bonus, and they assigned me a project that is too work-intense for them to do themselves, and too difficult for my coworkers to do. That should be worth something right?

I wanted to tell them to reverse that bonus check -- because it's insulting and I don't want it. That seems to be pride. But what's the difference between pride and standing up for yourself?

I'm not the kind of person to complain. But I really want to quit. I'm so tempted to walk away. But that would be irresponsible on my part without having another job lined up.

I don't like being angry ... I don't like making a fuss ... but I don't like being taken advantage of either.

I feel like I should say something. But I'm afraid that if I open my mouth, I'll say something regrettable. It's hard to find "balance" in something like this.

A year ago, I was so thankful to get this job. I felt so lucky to finally have a job. And although I'm still thankful to be employed, I'm resentful toward the way I'm being treated.

Maybe it's time to be thankful to get a job somewhere else.

_________________________________
Note Added: October 19, 2007

I went in for a one-on-one progress meeting with my supervisor today. I was considering telling her about how I felt. But so far I hadn't mentioned any disappointment to anyone.

My supervisor entered the meeting room, but then she was followed by another supervisor, the manager, and the director. It was either going to be very good news or very bad news.

They explained that everyone received bonus checks, but mine was small because I was hired a few days after the start of the 2006 financial year. And they didn't think it was fair that my bonus was so small due to a minor technicality.

They presented me with a "Thank You" card that they had all signed, and it contained a Visa gift card for $100.

I'm very glad that I didn't voice the disappointment I felt yesterday.

It's hard to know when to shut-up and when to speak-up. Maybe that's one of those things that comes with time?

and lo, the overtime cometh

2007-10-11T00:44:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year at work again. That wonderful time of year. Our jobs -- no -- our very lives -- exist for the sole purpose of making it happen.

The first half of the year is spent recovering from last year's event. The third quarter is spent in preparation for the current year's event. The fourth quarter is the event itself.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now "The Busy Season".

The stress affects people in different ways. Some people leave the company, others drink, and others cower under their desks in a fetal position until it's all over.

There will be casualties in this fierce office warfare. But there will also be heroes.

A perseverant few will remain to fight on the front lines. They will brave the savage domestic battles for meeting rooms, parking spaces, administrative jurisdiction, and coffee. They will assist bewildered customers, beguile stubborn computers, wrestle renegade staplers, and supplicate jammed copiers.

The thrill of victory is theirs! They will make miracles happen!

They will all probably get laid off next year, but that isn't the point ...

The relevant point is -- this will be a schedule change for me. I will still be able to go to my regular meetings, but I might fall asleep through them. "Quiet time" will be non-existent. I will eat, sleep, and breathe "work" until next year.

In some ways, I welcome this change. In other ways, I dread it.

Either way, I am where I am for a reason ... and that's a good thing.

and suddenly i was surrounded with champagne ...

2007-10-04T22:15:00.000-04:00

I was finally able to make it back in to work yesterday & today. The cold I had last weekend turned into a sinus infection, which is disgusting and miserable, but not contagious. It was nice to be back at work.

They had a celebration at work today, and we were all supposed to report to the lobby at a certain time. I left my desk at the last minute and went to the lobby.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by hundreds of glasses of champagne. They filled half a dozen tables. People were passing the glasses around for a toast.

I felt alot of pressure to take a glass like everyone else. To everyone else, the champagne was as harmless as water. I looked into those bubbly glasses and thought about how nice it would be to take one. Surely one little glass wouldn't hurt.

But I didn't take a glass. My thinking made me nervous, so I slipped out the door and went back to my desk without anyone seeing me leave.

I felt ashamed that I was unable to stay. But the whole situation caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting to be surrounded by hundreds of glasses of alcohol, especially at a work function. Maybe if I had known about it beforehand, I would have done better.

Anyway, I'm grateful to be sober today, and to be alive. An acquaintance of mine (who was a very close friend of my boyfriend's brother) was shot and killed today. A disgruntled employee came into the workplace and shot several employees. Two lives were ended, countless lives were changed forever. Just like that.

It helps to put things into perspective ... all of my loved ones are alive and well today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Today, I am grateful ...

to be 546 days sober
that all of my loved ones are alive and well
that the police caught the murderer
that I was able to work yesterday and today
that I have a job, and people look to me for help
for video games ... an old favorite of mine kept me well-entertained during my sick days away from work
for the medicine the doctor prescribed for my sinus infection ... it seems to be working
that I was able to pay off my car (no more car payment!)
that God's plans are better than mine

stuck between a rock and a hard place

2007-10-01T19:05:00.002-04:00

"Problems cannot be solved by the same level of consciousness that created them."

-- Albert Einstein

" ... unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery ... once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."

-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxvi - xxvii

I'm afraid of change, but I need to change.

... and another door opens

2007-09-30T12:45:00.000-04:00

Every time a door closes, another one opens.

A door closed for me, and I don't like what's behind the newly-opened door. I knew beforehand that this was going to happen, and I thought I could handle it. But now that it has actually taken place, I can't handle it. I absolutely hate the way things changed. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Because I can't control anything but my own actions, I have to decide what to do next.

I'm torn between two extremes:

mourn the loss excessively, as if my entire life is ruined forever; or
cut my losses and decide that what I lost was stupid and never mattered anyway.

Neither extreme is really truthful. My life isn't "ruined forever", although it feels that way. And what I lost wasn't "stupid" -- it did matter, and it still matters, otherwise I wouldn't feel hurt.

There's an honest middle-ground somewhere. I've never been one for finding it. It's easier just to give up and take an extreme than to fight for balance over that complicated middle ground.

I'd love to go to a meeting, but I'm sick with some sort of cold/flu/plague thing that was graciously shared with me by a coworker last week. Being physically sick doesn't make this any easier.

In the end, it's all about acceptance and honesty. It's not about how I see it or how I want it to be, it's about how it is ... and I don't like it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can; and
Wisdom to know the difference;
Living one day at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He would make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

of colds and biohazard suits

2007-09-29T16:36:00.000-04:00

I'm so sick this weekend, I need one of these hats:

And I have a resentment.

I caught some sort of cold/flu/plague thing from a coworker. Many people consider it rude to come to work when you're sick. But not where I work!

Because our cheap company does not provide adequate sick time, sick employees are always crawling into work sneezing and coughing all over the place. It's not an office -- it's a germ factory.

This pisses me off.

Sure, my coworker could have taken a sick day. But she would have to work ten 40-hour weeks to earn another sick day. 400 hours for one 8-hour sick day! What a ridiculous policy! I can't fault her for coming to work sick.

All of the employees are reluctant to use their sick time. They want to save it for a real emergency (such as hospitalization).

In my hiney whiney crybaby little opinion, companies providing lousy/nonexistent sick time policies should at least provide the following:

(1) Spray cans of disinfectant:

(2) Hand sanitizer:
(3) SARS masks:

(4) Biohazard suits:

Okay, so the biohazard suit may be a bit overboard.

At least the SARS masks are moderately fashionable. The style would catch on in no time. I guess I could start a fashion trend at work and start wearing one myself.

Overall, I'm just feeling disappointed. I missed out on alot of special things this weekend, and I'm frustrated.

My homegroup had a special "eating meeting" and speaker, I really wanted to go. My boyfriend moved away today, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I had to use half a sick day on Friday -- it will take 5 weeks to earn it back.

Geez I feel like throwing a tantrum. It sucks to be sick. It sucks even more when it stops me from doing what I want to do.

a beautiful ride

2007-09-23T20:02:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I went on my first-ever camping trip. I went with my boyfriend and several friends from his clean & sober motorcycle club. It's very fun to ride with a group of people -- especially people who are also sober and in the program.

The ride was terrific. When you turn your back on today's worries, say a prayer with the group, mount the motorcycle, enter the wind, watch the countryside pass by, see the sights, smell the smells, feel the heat and cold, bear the stinging rain -- you have an experience unrivaled by anything else.

We wear earplugs to drown out the loud engines. And when you can't hear anything or talk to anybody for long stretches of time -- you're forced to navigate your own thoughts. I used to be afraid of that, but now I look forward to these opportunities of quiet introspection, as they are also opportunities to pray and let go.

When I let go, problems and difficulties don't seem so powerful anymore. Yesterday doesn't matter, and tomorrow doesn't matter. It's all about living in the moment and enjoying the moment. And on a motorcycle in a beautiful country on a beautiful day, there's alot to enjoy in the present moment.

Well, not only was the ride beautiful, but so was the campground. There was a rocky stream at the bottom of the hill. I enjoyed the watching the water flow through the rocks. The constant whisper of the water could be heard through the whole camp. It was absolutely beautiful.

Before bedtime, we built a fire and had an AA meeting. The topic was resentment.

The Big Book says on p. 66:

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

In our meeting, we wrote down our resentments on paper, shared them with the group, then symbolically turned them over to God by tossing the paper into the fire. We ended our "share" by expressing gratitude.

And I have alot to be grateful for.

Overall, this whole trip was a very meaningful experience. For me, it really meant alot to be included in something like this. After all, I'm not a member of this motorcycle club. I'm just somebody's girlfriend. But they didn't just tolerate me, they welcomed me ... and it means alot to be accepted like that.

Today, I'm especially grateful ...

for being 535 days sober
having a safe trip
going camping for the first time (it was fun!)
having some quality time at the stream to watch, listen, and pray
being welcome
for the wonderful guy in my life who invited me in
for my family and my job
God, because I don't need to understand Him, since He understands me

And now, I will leave you with the stream I loved to watch at the campground. I could sit there for hours:

(Video taken with cell phone - sorry for the lousy quality!)

overlooked blessings

2007-09-17T22:58:00.001-04:00

I was sitting through heavy rush hour traffic this morning on my way to work.

As usual, the slowpoke lolling drivers in front of me were all idiots, and the impatient tailgating drivers behind me were all maniacs.

Looking at the clock, I became fearful that I would be late to work. So I sat there and stewed. I HATE being late.

Toward the end of my drive, I looked out my window and noticed something I had forgotten.

The last time I said "goodbye" to my boyfriend, he kissed my window three times, leaving three "kissprints" on my window. I hadn't noticed them all morning until that moment.

Suddenly it didn't matter whether I was going to be a few minutes late to work. The idiots in front of me and the maniacs behind me could drive as they willed, and I didn't care.

Those kissprints didn't suddenly appear -- they were there for the whole drive. I looked straight through them without noticing them. But still they were there. How many other little blessings to I miss every day because I'm preoccupied with something else?

I sometimes tend to get bent out of shape over things I can't have or can't control, it was nice to be reminded this morning that there are reasons to smile -- all around me. They may be easy to overlook, but they are there.

Today, I'm grateful ...

to be 529 days sober
for my friends, loved ones, and family
for the three kisses left on my car window
for the unnoticed blessings yet to be discovered
for the people at the meeting tonight, discussing the 9th step
for the honesty of the people at these meetings
for the ladies in AA
to step outside and shiver from the cool breeze (it's been so HOT lately)
to have enough
to be sleepy at bedtime
that God's ideas are bigger than mine

september sixteenth

2007-09-16T22:25:00.000-04:00

Today, I am grateful ...

to be 528 days sober
for my family, loved ones, and friends
cooler weather
for a motorcycle ride on a beautiful day
to see two friends get married
for Italian food!
for going out of town to see my boyfriend's new house
to love and to be loved
to once again learn that just because a situation may seem too difficult to handle, I can get through it without the world ending
to God for His timing, because everything happens for an ultimately good reason, and WHEN it happens is also for an ultimately good reason. Of course it all seems wrong and impossible up front, but timing can be more easily appreciated in retrospect ...

choose wisely: a) struggle to the top of the heap; b) hide underneath it; c) explode

2007-09-12T22:11:00.000-04:00

"But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society, Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."

-- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

I thought I had this part worked out, but lately I'm finding myself either trying to be the fly on the wall or be the center of attention. (Sometimes I want to be both simultaneously, if that makes any sense ...)

When my expectations aren't met, I want to run away and revel in self-pity. I have ideas about how I think people should behave. When they don't behave that way, it throws me off. And when I get thrown off, I obsess over it until I'm too tired to obsess anymore.

Right now I feel cranky, tired, and stressed. And tired.

laugh

2007-09-12T06:47:00.001-04:00

keeping busy

2007-09-09T22:46:00.000-04:00

Well it's been a LONG few weeks. But things are going well.

Right now, my life consists of two main time periods: Weekends and Workweeks.

Two weekends ago, I flew halfway across the country for my grandmother's funeral. Her service was beautiful. I'm very grateful that I got to go. It was nice to see my extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles) again. I had not seen some of them since I was a little kid.

Last weekend, I got to ride out of town with my boyfriend on his Harley to see his family. It was my first 1,000-mile ride on the bike. I loved it! I also went to my first "out of town" AA meeting. That was cool.

This weekend, we rode with some motorcycle club friends. There's just something unexplainably fun about tearing down the road in a pack of roaring Harleys. It is also my sister's birthday -- she is very happy and had a good time today.

But as for the workweek, well, they're torture. Work has become increasingly stressful. I'm grateful to have a job, but sometimes it feels more like the job has me. Unfortunately, I have done so well that they keep adding to my responsibilities. But it's better than job hunting ... anything is better than job hunting.

To make workweeks more unpleasant, my boyfriend got a new job in a city 2 hours away, so I only get to see him on the weekends. He's been commuting through the week. But he's getting ready to move away ... I'm trying not to feel sad about that.

I find myself dreading the future. The Big Book says that as we work through the end of Step 9, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." But I feel that way about the future -- I regret the future and I wish to shut the door on it.

I don't want things to change. They aren't changing for the better for me. It will be better for someone else, but not for me. But it isn't fair to expect every situation to fall into my favor. I guess I should find consolation in knowing that someone I love will benefit from it.

Anyway, it's getting late ... I'm off to bed!

she remembered me

2007-08-22T17:45:00.000-04:00

She lived halfway across the country, but that didn't matter.

Every Christmas, she sent us grandchildren Christmas cards saying "I love you". She wrapped little gifts by hand and carefully printed our names, tiny trembles in each letter. Although I was just one of many grandchildren -- she always remembered me.

Every birthday, she sent me a birthday card saying "I love you". As a kid, I had to learn the hard cold fact that most people will forget my birthday since it falls between Christmas and New Year. But every year without fail -- she always remembered me.

Sometimes, she would randomly send a postcard or note -- just to say "I love you". Even on ordinary days during the year -- she remembered me.

She did so much for me, but I did so little for her. I didn't call when I should have. I didn't send her cards. I didn't even know when her birthday was.

The last time we talked on the phone, she asked me to come visit her. Remembering my busy work schedule and the amount of time and effort a trip halfway across the country would take, I replied, "I'd love to -- but I'll need to get some time off work ... "

I never made that visit.

She passed away Monday night, with all of her beloved children at her bedside.

I'll be boarding a plane tomorrow morning to make the visit that I wish I had made many months ago.

Although I knew she was in the hospital for the past few weeks, I didn't call or write. Even after I heard she took a turn for the worse, I still didn't call or write. I never took the time or effort to reach out to her.

The one thing I can't get out of my head:

She always remembered me.

So if you have a friend or family member that you've been putting off calling or visiting -- don't put it off any longer. Take the time and effort. Make that call today, and make that visit today. Let them know you love them ... let them know you remember them. Just let them know.

at some of these, we balked ...

2007-08-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

From page 58 in the Big Book, in reference to working the 12 Steps:

"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not."

Balk. Like a terrified chicken. "BAWK!" (At least, that's how we characterize it in my home group ...)

I balked from going to a new meeting today. I drove for 35 minutes on beautiful country roads to attend this meeting, but I chickened out. I had been looking forward to attending this meeting for a week.

I'm always nervous to go somewhere new. And I'm always subconsciously looking for reasons NOT to go.

The drive was long. My radio sucks. So I drove in silence.

I don't know about anyone else, but whenever I have too much time alone without other things to compete for my attention, I get caught up in my head. I quickly found a million reasons not to go to the meeting.

Little subconscious worries suddenly blew up into huge fears, ranging from the absurd to the legit. My biggest worries concern things that have not happened yet -- things that only have a 0.0000001% chance of happening, but only if hell freezes over first. Regardless of probability, each worry beckons the insatiable question: "Oh no! What am I going to do about THAT???"

Then all of the insecurities that I ordinarily push out of the way popped up into the spotlight. Little things that embarrassed me lately replayed over and over. My self-confidence shriveled away and I felt like a complete and total idiot.

By the end of that 35-minute drive, I was tired, lonely, stressed, and feeling stupid. I didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want to be around other people either.

By the time I finally got to the meeting place, I turned around and went home. It felt like the easier softer way -- at the time.

"Bawk-bawk-bawk!"

I felt stupid for driving all the way out there just to turn around. This isn't the first time this has happened ... I'm supposed to learn from past mistakes, right?

Oh well -- it's just another lesson that whenever a decision needs to be made, the easier softer way can sometimes appear to be the most difficult way.

we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us ...

2007-08-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

"We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others."

--Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 47

Normally, I'm not a person who gives in to anger. I tend to lean more toward the depressive end of the scale. If I get angry, I'm angry with myself.

But the other day, I became angry in response to the actions of another person. I allowed myself to fume and stew, constantly reliving the issue and even predicting future issues with this person. This resulted in being hit with overwhelming waves of rage and hatred -- even about things that haven't happened yet (and may never happen at all).

I knew I needed to let it go, but I wouldn't. In my mind, this person deserved to be hated.

So I fumed. And I stewed. And I hated.

I knew all along that I was wrong, and I knew the answer, but I was not willing to accept it until my anger was exhausted:

"This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.'

"We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."

-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 66-67

Now I'm exhausted, wondering why I allowed myself to get so bent out of shape. I knew the answer the whole time, and I only hurt myself in the process.

"When a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he cannot live well today. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion - anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers."

--Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 88

I have more work to do ... so much more work.

road of happy destiny

2007-07-25T22:41:00.001-04:00

Today, I came across the closing words at the end of the last chapter in the Big Book:

"We realize we only know a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you -- until then," (p.164).

Wow, this part is like a simple version of the 12 steps: "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find."

I needed to read those instructions today. I need to be more aggressive in working my program. I haven't been concentrating on that. I've been too busy working, catching up on lost sleep, and finding inventive ways to waste time. I haven't been "trudging the road" -- I've been too comfortable.

"Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs," (p. 20).

"At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us," (p. 77).

I want to be helpful, but I can't share what I don't have. It's worth asking, "Have I abandoned myself to God today, or have I abandoned God to go my own way?"

I'm very grateful to be sober today, to have such wonderful AA friends, to have a family that loves me, and a God who will never leave.

an allegory: my relationship with alcohol

2007-07-17T23:56:00.000-04:00

Note: This is a allegory (I suppose the proper term is allegory -- or metaphor/analogy) that I started writing last September. In every AA story I've heard, alcohol started out like a "friend", but became an abusive "enemy" over time. The premise of this story was to describe that transition and answer the question, "If alcohol was a person, what would our relationship have been like?" This is how I would describe that relationship -- how it started, how it evolved, how it is today:

The first time I met this guy, I didn't know what to think. I liked the way he made me feel about myself, but something about him just gave me the creeps. Being so busy with other things at the time, I quickly forgot about him and ran along with my life.

Years later, I bumped into him again. And again, I liked the way he made me feel about myself. But this time he didn't seem quite so creepy. So I spent more time with him.

We got along great together! Soon we were best friends. We hung out on the weekends and shared many fun times. We started having so much fun on the weekends that he started visiting in the evenings too.

I would often think about him during my day. I would wonder how he came to know me so well after such a short time together. It amazed me that he always seemed to know how to calm me down whenever I felt stressed out or upset. When we were together, all of my emotional insecurities disappeared. He made me feel good about myself. I couldn't wait to see him again!

Things were great between us. There was nothing he didn't understand. There was no problem he couldn't fix. He was my best friend.

But somehow, things slowly started to change. He started showing up earlier in the evenings, and staying over later. Soon he was barging in during the afternoons. His appearances during the wee morning hours seemed intrusive. Let's just face it -- 3am is too early!

I started wishing that he wouldn't come over quite so often. I enjoyed sharing some of my time with him, but I didn't like how he started to take over my life.

So I gently resisted him, trying to make him feel less and less welcome. But the more I resisted, the more forceful he became.

I suddenly realized that he was no longer the great guy I thought he was. He seemed to be transitioning into some sort of bully. I didn't like the way he was treating me.

Although I resisted him, his forcefulness eventually overcame me. He was bigger and stronger than I was. I couldn't outrun him. I couldn't stop him. I was completely powerless over him. Over time, my whole life slipped out of control, and I was filled with fear. I felt like a prisoner in my own home.

Gone were the happy days when he made me feel good about myself. Now he made me feel like the scum of the earth. He no longer helped me to calm down. Instead, he intentionally stressed me out. He no longer helped me to have fun. Instead, he constantly made me cry.

He would never leave. Whenever I tried to escape, he caught me.

I longed for those good, happy days. I mourned as time passed, because my former friend was growing stronger, meaner, and more ruthless by the second. Those happy days would never come again.

I felt my life shrink away as he took a stronger hold of it. The more I resisted, the more domineering he became.

I lost what little hope I had. I only had room for one emotion: despair.

Finally, he was particularly cruel one day. As I wrestled with the last bit of strength I had, I knew deep inside that it was all over. I closed my eyes, asked God for mercy, and braced for the inevitable impact that I knew would end my life.

Suddenly, a bright light flooded the darkness and forcefully knocked him into a shadowy corner. Where did that light come from? A window covering had fallen during our scuffle.

During this moment of clarity, I noticed for the first time how dark it had become in my home. As he cowered in the corner shading his eyes from the light, I discovered that each and every window was covered in a thick black cloth. Why hadn't I noticed before? I had become accustomed to living in darkness.

I studied him in the corner. He nervously fidgeted in the dark shadow, seemingly terrified of the light. After all, it was the sudden burst of light that knocked him away from me.

Then I finally realized: He couldn't enter the light -- it repulsed him. He could only stand in the shadows. No wonder all of the windows had been blocked -- the darkness gave him full reign over my home!

The one open window provided a path of light leading to the next covered window. I glanced in the direction of the next window, and back at him.

His furious eyes pierced my soul as I strode over to the window and tore down the curtains. He shrank even further into the shadow as more light filled the room.

Finally, I was no longer hopeless. I was amazed to realize that I didn't have to let him kill me.

But I needed help -- I didn't know what to do next.

Fortunately there was a group of people who knew how to deal with this kind of unwanted intruder, and they were willing to help me.

How did they know? They had the same experience that I did.

They sympathized with me when I shared my story. They explained that this unwanted friend would be with me for the rest of my life and would grow increasingly abusive if I didn't take immediate and continuous action.

My heart sank at this news. I was hoping there would be a way to either get him out of my home permanently, or to fix him so that he would be back to his old friendly self. Apparently neither option was possible. I allowed him into my life so many times that he became a permanent fixture.

But they said there is still hope: I can't fix him or eliminate him, but I can prevent him from appearing. All I have to do is get rid of ALL the darkness in my home and continually fill it with light. I must live in that light.

They explained that my light source can be whatever I want it to be: the sun, lamps, ceiling fixtures, wall lights, candles, whatever. I just need to take certain steps to renovate my house to eliminate the shadow.

I also needed to take certain steps to fix myself as well. I had become so accustomed to living in darkness that I needed to learn how to live in the light.

It all seemed so difficult, but I didn't have to do it all alone. They offered to help me. After all, they had to do this themselves.

They shared with me their stories and experiences, and all were similar to mine. Hearing their experience, strength, and hope gave me the encouragement I needed to take action.

Since then, I have learned how to renovate my home and fill it with more light to keep my unwanted friend at bay. There are still a few shadowy corners here and there, but I'm working on those. I'm still learning how to live in the light. This will be a life-long endeavor, but it beats the alternative.

Sometimes I start to feel bad about myself. I think back to those "good old days" when my friend and I had such good times together, and I sometimes wish to experience those good times again. Sometimes I feel like I can trust him again.

But one glance at a shadowy corner brings me back to reality: My "friend" no longer likes me. It creeps through the shadows seeking to dominate my life. It tried to kill me. And if I extend my hand, it will try to kill me again.

On my bad days, I can see it lurking in the shadows. But I can always get rid of it by letting more light in. This has become a daily task, sometimes an hourly task, or sometimes even a task I must complete every few minutes. But success comes one moment at a time, by living in the light.

There is hope today, and for that I am grateful.

a fine example

2007-07-09T21:29:00.001-04:00

The post below this one is a fine example of what happens when you get caught up for too long in your own head.

"Catastrophic avalanche of mindshit" doesn't begin to describe it ... but it's a start.

Thank you to all of my homegroup chicas who called and texted and helped me to stay sober over the past couple of days. I'm amazed and deeply touched by the support extended by the ladies in the program ... I cannot thank you enough.

don't like these feelings

2007-07-08T18:19:00.000-04:00

I don't like how I'm feeling today. Rejected, unwanted, deficient, used, etc. And because I don't like how I'm feeling, my impulse is to change it ... that's not a good place for an alcoholic to be.

Rejection is one of those really difficult feelings to work through.

Rejection means that there is something wrong with me -- I'm deficient ... I'm inadequate. If only I was better in some way, then I wouldn't have been left behind.

There are so many "If only's ..."

"If only I was prettier ... "

"If only I was smarter ... "

"If only I was more successful ... "

"If only I had (this) or (that) ... "

And the list goes on and on forever.

I'm starting to hate the word "acceptance", because that's the answer -- but it's a damn ugly answer. I want the answer to be "Here, drink this and those feelings will go away." But no. It doesn't work that way.

The answer is this: I have to accept that something good is over. I don't want it to be over, but it is. "Why" doesn't matter. "How" doesn't matter. It's just over.

"Deal with it" ... but it hurts too much to deal with it ...

monday blues

2007-07-02T22:46:00.000-04:00

Today was tough.

First, my boyfriend is leaving town because he got a better job in a city 200 miles away. Although I'm very happy for him that he's been blessed with this opportunity -- and I've encouraged him to take it -- I'm afraid. I don't like uncertainty. We're going from being 1 mile apart, to being 200 miles apart. Although he sincerely assures me that he wants to continue our relationship, I can't help but wonder how much longer he will feel that way after he's been gone for a few months. On one hand, I'm preparing myself for everything to end. On the other hand, I want to believe him, but I'm afraid to get hurt again. Cynicism feels safer. But cynicism so damn depressing ... Again it's uncertainty. I either have to get over it, or I won't.

Second, "Aunt Flo" showed up this morning -- making me nauseous, weak, dizzy, and feeling as if I had been shot, stabbed, and run over. It's like having the flu ... It made everything else that happened today much more difficult to handle ...

Third, I started a new job at work today. But it was frustrating because even though the appropriate paperwork was submitted weeks ago, I didn't have access to the computer programs and accounts that I need in order to do this job. They didn't even set up my phone until 4:30 in the afternoon. There is so much work to do, but I'm useless for now.

Fourth, there was an incident while taking some coworkers out to lunch today. I offered to drive them. When we parked in the parking lot, one of the ladies could not unfasten her seatbelt. It was stuck. She tried, I tried, another coworker tried -- the seatbelt would not budge.

While I tried to help her out, an idiot in an SUV insisted on parking in the space next to mine -- but my car doors were swung open into that space while we worked on releasing my coworker's seat belt. My "free" coworkers moved out of the space and watched, so I was the only one helping my stuck coworker now.

Never mind the fact there was a perfectly clear space on the OTHER side of my car -- he wouldn't take it because it would mean walking five paces farther than he wanted to walk. The idiot sat there and glared at me for not getting out of his way, and he waited impatiently for me to close my car doors to make room for his fat-ass SUV.

I looked at him, looked at the empty space on the other side of my car, and looked back at him incredulously, wondering, "Is he really that stupid?"

Yes, he was THAT stupid. He inched into the space a bit more and became angry that I wouldn't get out of his way.

There wasn't enough room for him to park where I was working. He could see that I was trying to help someone out of the car, but he didn't care. I was in his way.

I started to panic. The stupid seatbelt wasn't budging. I pushed the button and tugged this way and that, but the buckle was still stuck. My coworker tried to slip under the belt, but instead it tightened around her so that she couldn't move at all.

Then the bastard inched closer to my open door because I wasn't moving out of his way fast enough. I became very angry. There was a free space on the other side of my car -- why wouldn't he take it? Because he was a stupid lazy bastard who believes the world owes him a parking space that's five feet closer to the door -- that's why!

I wanted to yell at him. If he was in my position, I would have offered to HELP him, not run him over. But I didn't say anything or make any gestures to him. I was too scared to stand up for myself. I've always been that way. I'm a bully's favorite pissing target.

The seatbelt simply was not coming off, and I could tell my coworker was starting to panic a bit when it locked tight around her. I opened the scissors on my swiss army knife and cut the seatbelt off. Then I closed the car doors and got out of the idiot's way.

He swung into the space crooked and far off-center -- the typical rude and inept fashion common in this area. Asshole. Not that I have a resentment about this or anything ... (hahaha)

The kicker is that during the drive on the way home, the seatbelt buckle would disconnect and reconnect effortlessly. No problem anymore. But the seatbelt itself has been cut and is useless now ...

But this incident pointed out to me (again) that I need to learn to be more assertive. Otherwise I might go postal on someone one of these days.

Regardless of all the stupid little things going on, I have so much to be grateful for ...

I'm 452 days sober
I've shared the past seven months of my life with someone special
I have a job ... I recently got a promotion
I have a car that can take coworkers to lunch (although it tried to trap one of them today, lol)
My seatbelt BUCKLE works. Now I just need a new belt ...
My coworkers WANTED to go to lunch with me (wow)
My family still loves me
I can still write when I need/want to
Independence Day (US) is coming up. One of my favorite holidays.
I'm sleepy, and I can go to bed now ...
God, because he's got this stuff figured out in some kind of strategic plan

irrational rationalizations catching up to me

2007-06-07T19:01:00.000-04:00

I completed step 4 and started step 5 last weekend. I didn't know where to start with the 5th step, so I started with the most difficult things first. The rest of step 5 is all downhill from here.

I wanted to have this complete over a year ago, but I wasn't ready. It took as long as it took for a good reason. I wouldn't have been able to handle the emotional aftermath.

All my life, I've used a bad way of coping with traumatic experiences. I would escape the negative feelings caused by traumatic experiences by taking unreasonable responsibility for getting hurt.

For example, my default method for rationalizing traumatic events goes something like this: "I was bullied in school because I was a fat nerd. If I hadn't been a fat nerd, they wouldn't have bullied me. So it's all my fault that I got bullied -- I was a fat nerd and I deserved it."

The fact that the bullies themselves played a role in the bullying didn't matter -- I didn't want it to matter -- I didn't want to feel like a victim. The feelings of victimization -- of being violated, broken, and dominated -- shatter self-esteem like nothing else.

If I convince myself that an event was all my fault and I deserved it anyway, then suddenly the feelings of trauma and victimization disappear and are replaced with a sense of "getting the punishment I deserved." Those feelings aren't so bad in comparison.

But now that I'm willing to recognize my past hurts for what they really were, I'm feeling all of the emotions that I've been avoiding all this time -- the feelings of being violated, broken, and dominated.

Things that happened years ago feel like they just happened yesterday. All of the emotion collectively built up and hit me like a ton of bricks. Over the past few days, I've been feeling utterly smashed at the world's feet.

It's getting better though. I guess I needed to grieve. And to feel.

And that's okay. I'm finally moving through all of this -- and I don't have to do it alone anymore.

emotion switch?

2007-05-16T18:12:00.001-04:00

Today I was thinking over some things, and I realized that I have a coping mechanism that I didn't know I've been using.

I can turn my emotions on or off at will. And whenever I reach a point where I'm feeling too many negative emotions, I turn my emotions off. All of them. I become very cold and callous about everything and everyone -- and that sucks -- but it makes the pain go away.

Would that be apathy?

It just seems easier to cut off emotionally and walk away from whatever hurts than to experience those unpleasant feelings and work through them like I should. I don't have any answers yet but I felt the need to spill that out there.

sorry for the slowdown ...

2007-05-16T18:00:00.000-04:00

I haven't had much to say in this blog for a while. When I first started blogging about recovery, this blog was my primary contact with other AA's.

When I first started getting sober, I had spent the previous two years of my life practically living online, so the transition into "real life" was scary. I went to AA meetings but I was too scared to talk to anyone or make any friends.

But since last October, I got over that fear -- I had to -- it was the only way I was going to stay sober. So now, I spend as much time as possible with my homegroup members ... and I don't have as much time to devote to this blog anymore.

I'll keep posting things whenever I can, but it's gonna be slow. I just didn't want anyone to think that I've "gone out" or that I don't care anymore.

I'm extremely grateful for this blog and for the online AA's out there ... the internet is a medium largely ignored by many AA's, but it has proved to be miraculous for me. Thanks to everyone who stops by!

rent-a-sponsor

2007-05-03T22:55:00.000-04:00

I came across this mock-advertisement in the meeting binder for my homegroup. Thought it was funny, and someone else out there might like it!

so grateful

2007-05-01T18:30:00.000-04:00

I'm so grateful for the people in AA. They make me feel like I'm not the worthless piece of sh*t that I feel like I am. I don't get it and I don't understand how it works. But I simply can't express my gratitude for the AAs in my homegroup and the AAs online.

I'm slowly learning how to say in a group that "I'm not okay". It's easier to do online but much more difficult to admit in person. I always want to pretend that everything is fine, because otherwise I'll have to explain what's wrong. I don't do that very well. I usually have no idea what's wrong -- I just feel that something is wrong, there are thousands of things that created that feeling, and I'm confused by it all. I dunno how to put chaos into words. So all my life I've found that it's MUCH easier to pretend that everything is okay. Besides, who doesn't want to be okay? I want to be okay, everyone else wants me to be okay, so fine then, I'll pretend to be okay. (So much for that program of rigorous honesty!)

But this is getting better. People are being patient with me. And I'm starting to get over that fear of exposure. I don't have to present a false front ... and that's a relief.

restless, irritable, and discontent

2007-04-19T23:46:00.001-04:00

Feeling restless, irritable, and discontent tonight.

Went to a discussion meeting. It was in one of those formats where each person in the circle is asked to share. I hate that format.

Because then I know when it's going to be my turn, so I spend the entire meeting ignoring what everyone else is sharing while I come up with something to share. Then when it's my turn, my mind goes blank and I stutter meaningless drivel like an idiot.

Tonight was no exception. I don't remember what I shared, but whatever it was, it was stupid and I wish I had "passed". I should have known better.

So now I feel even worse than I did before the meeting. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone.

seeing my story in "Bill's Story"

2007-04-16T23:16:00.001-04:00

This was the passage that really stood out to me when I read the Big Book for the first time. When I read this, I finally knew that someone else in this world knew what I was going through. I wasn't alone anymore.

I read this passage again today, and I couldn't help but see my own story in Bill's story:

"It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though if often remains strong in other respects. My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer self- knowledge.

But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more. The curve of my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski-jump. After a time I returned to the hospital. This was the finish, the curtain, it seemed to me. My weary and despairing wife was informed that it would all end with heart failure during delirium tremens, or I would develop a wet brain, perhaps within a year. We would soon have to give me over to the undertaker of the asylum.

They did not need to tell me. I knew, and almost welcomed the idea. It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was to plunge into the dark, joining that endless procession of sots who had gone on before. I thought of my poor wife. There had been much happiness after all. What would I not give to make amends. But that was over now.

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.

Trembling, I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink, and on Armistice Day 1934, I was off again. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere, or would stumble along to a miserable end. How dark it is before the dawn! In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes."

(Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 7-8)

In fact, out of all of the AA speakers I've ever heard, they tell this same story in their own different ways.

It's awesome to hear the stories of so many people -- who all became alcoholic in different ways, found AA in different ways, worked the Twelve Steps in different ways, and express their gratitude in different ways -- but in the end, it all sums up here. We're all the same ... and we're not alone.

there aren't enough days in a weekend

2007-04-15T22:49:00.001-04:00

One would think an adult would have mastered this level of reasoning, but sometimes it still surprises me that when I choose to do "Activity A", I miss out on "Activity B". There's always some sort of sacrifice involved when these kinds of decisions are made.

I don't like making that sacrifice. I don't like the sense of urgency that comes from running out of time. I don't like resigning myself to the fact that the weekend is OVER, and I will be a corporate zombie for the next five days until another weekend rolls around.

But I suppose I should shut up and be grateful that because I'm sober today, I can make decisions on how to spend my free time.

When I was drinking, my decisions automatically defaulted and locked to "get drunk". In early sobriety, my decisions defaulted to attending several AA meetings each day and filling the hours between meetings with blogging, reading, etc -- because I had to fight the urge to drink.

But now, my decisions don't default to anything. I don't have to drink anymore, and I don't have to fight drinking either.

Sometimes it's overwhelming to suddenly have so many options that previously didn't exist. I want to do everything, see everything, participate in everything ... but it simply isn't possible.

I'm just grateful to be sober today, to have a family, to have friends, and to have choices ...

DMV adventures, and keeping "faith"

2007-04-12T23:51:00.000-04:00

This morning, I used my last vacation day today to get the registration for my new car. My bosses are very strict about missing work -- so I had to use my last vacation day.

I got to the DMV this morning at 8:15 to register the car. The office didn't open until 9, but there were already 20 people waiting in line.

After waiting in line for 1.5 hours, the DMV clerk informed me that the company that sold me my car messed up the title. Their notary signed her name on the wrong line. The DMV could not take the title, so I could not register my car.

When I got the loan from the bank a few weeks ago, I remembered the loan officer told me that I had to bring the title to her. So I took the title to the loan officer and explained the situation about the notary issue. She had me sign the title, and she notarized next to my name. She said that should clear it up.

Then I vaguely remembered seeing an affidavit in the sales paperwork, stating something about a printer problem. So I went back home to read that again. Sure enough, it was regarding a printer problem on the title. That must be why the notary info was off.

I called the DMV to ask if this affidavit would clear up the problem. They assured me it would.

So I went back to the DMV. I waited in line for 3 -- three -- THREE hours.

When I finally got up to the counter, the DMV clerk told me that the affidavit was useless because the original notary had signed on the wrong line, and that the second notary stamp from the lady at the bank voided the title. Greeaaat.

The clerk shook her head, gave me a form to send to the sellers, and said "Good luck getting that back -- it's your only chance."

One part of me wanted to go postal, another part wanted to cry. This was my last vacation day ... how was I going to get another day off work to do this again?

But my autopilot took over in stoic mode. I thanked the clerk and calmly went back to my car to make some phone calls.

I went back to the bank and informed the loan officer that she had voided the title. She was extremely apologetic. I was extremely aggravated ... but that damn autopilot took over again, and I felt myself smile and tell her that it was okay ... even though everything on the inside screamed that it wasn't okay.

(Where does that autopilot come from anyway? In some cases, it's good, because I don't blow up at people. But it's bad in other cases because I don't stand up for myself when I should ...)

Fortunately I was able to get in contact with someone at the company that sold me my car. I explained the situation, and she said she would order a duplicate title and would also fill out the form from the DMV clerk. I'm so glad they're willing to work with me.

Things could always be worse ... at least I didn't go postal.

After that, I went on to work to try to salvage a few vacation hours back. I explained what happened to one of my coworkers.

When I told her about how frustrated I got, she asked, "Did you lose your faith?"

I've never thought about it like that before. I suppose losing my temper and getting upset would be like losing my faith. Because when I turn my will and my life over to God, I have nothing to become angry over.

And at the end of the day, I went to a meeting ... got to see people I care about stay sober. That was cool. I was glad that I stayed sober too.

the sense of impending doom

2007-04-09T20:29:00.000-04:00

I remember watching TV with my dad when I was a kid. Sometimes in a suspenseful movie, scary music would start to play. The creepy music always meant that something bad was going to happen.

Dad would make fun of the scary music and playfully chant: "Something's gonna happen; something's gonna happen; something's gonna hA----!" And then choke, play dead, or something. It always made me laugh.

I thought about that today. All day long, I've been struggling with an irrational sense of impending doom. It's as if the imaginary creepy music has started, and I'm just waiting for the sudden crash to happen any second.

I'm not sure what caused it, but there may be several contributing factors ...

I've come up with more to list on my 4th step, but I'm nearing the point where I'm running out of things to add. I feel comfortable with my sponsor and I'm actually looking forward to the 5th step. Yeah, something is fundamentally wrong here -- I'm supposed to be scared to death about that.

My job has been running smoothly ... suspiciously smoothly. I was called in to my boss's office today for an informal review with my boss and my supervisor. They had very nice things to say and were very impressed with a few things I did. So when are they going to take my red stapler, move my workstation to the basement, and stop paying me?

I've been blissfully enjoying a relationship with a wonderful guy, and things are going great. But my past has taught me that relationships in such seemingly good condition usually end abruptly and unexpectedly for reasons that take years to understand. In this case, is it a matter of "if" or "when" it all comes crashing down?

My new car (which I wrecked already) was inspected by the insurance adjuster last week and put into the body shop today. The insurance company is miraculously going to pay for the damage. I'm taking tomorrow morning off work to apply for the registration at the DMV. I have all the paperwork -- but it just seems that something should go wrong ... it has to.

I feel totally useless at meetings. We're supposed to share experience, strength, and hope. But I have no relevant experience to help people with their problems, my strength comes from sadistic sarcasm (which I keep to myself because it would offend most people), and my hope is made up of childish fairy-tale faith at which most people would either laugh or become jealous. I never know the right thing to say and I'm scared to say something harmful or stupid. So I shut up during the meetings and usually stick around to chat & clean coffee pots ... I guess that's better than nothing ... or maybe it's worse?

It all comes down to the third step ... when we turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him, these kinds of concerns lose their power.

Regardless, I'm glad to be sober for one trip around the sun. Orbit #2 has begun :)

turning one year old

2007-04-05T18:37:00.001-04:00

Mom made me a cake & got me an Easter Lilly. Doesn't that cake look good??? Thanks, mom!

With all its ups and downs, this past year was the toughest emotional roller coaster ride of my entire life. But it's also been the best year of my life.

At my first-ever AA meeting, someone told me, "You never have to take another drink again."

I desperately wanted to believe him, but it sounded too good to be true.

But today, I know it's true.

I'm grateful to be a recovering alcoholic and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. The only reason I'm living today is because of the grace of God and the fellowship of AA.

And I'm not merely alive -- I'm living the happy, joyous, and free life that I thought I'd never have.

Thank you to everyone for helping me to reach my first birthday. You helped to make a miracle happen.

Miracles happen all the time in AA, and we see them when we keep coming back.

my first wreck

2007-03-29T22:36:00.001-04:00

Ya know what? Cars and fire hydrants don't get along too well.

One slashed a lovely yellow-paint-coated gash along the entire length of the passenger side of my car, ripping the doors crooked, and leaving the rear tire mangled. Well done! (Boy, I'm a first class dumbass!)

It's pretty funny ... I've never been in a wreck before, even back when I was drinking. I've always prided myself in having a perfect driving record. But now that I'm a week shy of one year sober, I wreck my new car ... which I've only had for two weeks.

But I'm glad that

nobody got hurt
the fire hydrant wasn't damaged
no other cars were involved
I have insurance to cover the damage to my car
my dad helped me change the tire so we could get the car home
I still have my OLD car, so I don't need to get a rental
the weather was nice, so I didn't get rained on or snowed on
it wasn't dark yet, so I could inspect everything in the sunlight
this happened at the perfect time of day to get to a meeting right after, so I could get out of my head and be with other people who had worse days than mine
my sponsor & another AA friend met up with me after the meeting and shared some of their experiences banging up cars ... I didn't feel quite so stupid after hearing some of their stories
I didn't drink, and I didn't want to
I didn't cry, though I kinda wanted to
God's probably sitting there laughing at me, but that's okay ... I can laugh at me too.

all in time

2007-03-27T21:40:00.001-04:00

There's a saying I really cling to: "Be profound, be funny, or be quiet." I can't be profound or funny right now, so I should be quiet ... but I feel the need to slap something up here.

I'm doing okay. I'm staying sober one day at a time and trying to avoid mourning over the past or worrying about the future.

Someone asked the other day about a future goal of mine. That set off an avalanche of thought.

I did some research and found that I can't achieve that goal with the small income from my current job. I'll need a higher-paying job. But my employment history is in such bad shape, I'm extremely lucky just to have my current job ... nobody else would want me right now.

So maybe I'm right where I should be. For now. That future goal will just have to wait. It isn't time yet.

It's tempting to sit here and fume about how stupid I was years ago, and how I "should have" done this or that, and "if only" I hadn't been so stupid, I would have more opportunities today ... so now I'm a loser and an idiot and all I can do is suck it up and bear the consequences of my past actions. Waaa. Pardon me while I cry a river.

But wallowing in misery wouldn't change anything. In the mean time, I can be grateful for what I have today and concentrate on what God wants me to do today.

I know people who have just lost loved ones, others who are watching loved ones destroy themselves, others who are struggling to make ends meet, and others who seem to have no problems at all. In the grand scheme of things, I have no problems at all ...

When I stop focusing on what I don't have, I see the miracles of the blessings in my life today. There are so many.

off day

2007-03-21T23:06:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I really want to talk to people, and other times, I wish I could disappear into the wall. Tonight was one of those nights where I was glad to be at a meeting but I would have given anything to be invisible.

There was no valid reason to feel like this.

Work has been uncomfortable for the past month. One of my coworkers pretends that I don't exist. It started on my first day on the job: every morning for the past six months, I'll smile and say "Good morning" to her and she completely ignores me -- for the entire day, regardless of what I do or say -- she pretends I'm not there. She does this to several other people too ... so whatever it is, it's her problem. And management keeps assigning mind-numbing projects to us ("Here, put these 7,000 dusty file folders in alphabetical order -- by Friday. Oh and don't fall behind on your regular work. No overtime is allowed.").

For the most part, I'm not having a hard time with work. Yeah, sometimes it gets under my skin when my coworker repeatedly ignores me. But whatever ... she has her issues, and if I feel offended by her issues, my that's my problem. And sometimes it gets under my skin when management imposes ridiculous deadlines for seemingly never-ending mundane tasks. But that's what management is for. Their job is to keep me busy.

Sometimes I worry about the future. All of these worries are self-centered fear. I'm afraid of losing something. But when I consider how a change of circumstance that causes me to lose something could possibly benefit someone I love, I become willing to let go ... and I stop worrying about it. It's difficult to let go and STAY that way. I keep taking it back. That annoys me. This stuff is so hard to let go of and so easy to take back.

But when I remember the hell my life was when I was drinking, and consider the miracles that have happened in sobriety ... these silly annoyances don't carry so much weight anymore. I have choices today that I didn't have before. I've found a new source of security that can't be shaken by anything or anyone -- unless I allow it.

Lately, my days have mostly consisted of repeatedly stepping away from the center of the universe. Because as the day goes on, I'll somehow float back to the center, and once again find myself expecting the universe to revolve around ME. Then I'll have to step aside again. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." I have to make that decision many times every day.

And it all comes back to the meeting tonight. Even at the "meeting before the meeting" ... I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be there with everyone because I love them and deeply care about them ... but I felt so uncomfortable that I only wanted to watch from a distance, and I was absolutely miserable the entire time. This feeling comes and goes at random. I really didn't want to feel this way tonight. I hated every second of it. I still don't understand what this feeling is or why it keeps coming back.

my workdays aren't so bad after all

2007-03-18T20:16:00.000-04:00

Over the past few weeks, work hasn't been all that great. I was tempted to feel sorry for myself.

Then I came across this video.

The poor weather man is truly, truly, TRULY having a much worse workday than I've ever had!

Click Play to watch below, or [Click Here] to view at Google Video.

Okay, I don't feel sorry for myself anymore! I love my job and I'm not so bad at it!

gratitude

2007-03-15T22:45:00.001-04:00

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being sober ... coming up on a year
having a sponsor that I can really talk to
the awesome people in my life
the kind words of encouragement left behind here
my family ... they love me
being able to "be there" when someone I care about experienced a death in his family
completing the process of acquiring a loan to buy a car. I would have never been able to do anything this complicated back when I was drinking. If it involved anything more complicated than unscrewing a bottle cap, I was pretty much screwed. (Or unscrewed?)
knowing that I don't need to "live to impress" people
I don't need to "change" myself to make people happy
I don't need anyone else to change to make me happy
when I turn my will and my life over to God, I cease fighting anything and anyone ... that makes me happy
God, because He has a plan for my life, and He included Himself in it

pride in reverse

2007-03-06T22:29:00.001-05:00

Well I managed to write a few positive things in my fourth step last night. I didn't go off on tangents to turn positive things into negative things, though I was REALLY tempted to do so.

Reminds me of something from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (p. 45):

"If tempermentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing. We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a misshapen and painful pleasure out of it. As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution. Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse. This is not a moral inventory at all; it is the very process by which the depressive has so often been led to the bottle and extinction."

I identify with that ... especially the "swamped with guilt and self-loathing" part.

For a long time, prayer has been difficult because I can't get past asking for forgiveness. "God, please forgive me. I screwed up there ... and I was impatient over there ... and my motives were wrong over there ..." and eventually I get depressed. So I'll thank God for everything and everyone He's blessed me with, but then I'll feel guilty for receiving those blessings because I don't deserve them. At that point, I don't want to pray anymore -- I'm too angry at myself to pray, so I'll go on with the rest of my day pissed off.

But that's just another manifestation of selfish "pride in reverse". Apparently I get miserable because I want to be miserable ... otherwise I wouldn't indulge in it. It's always "all about me". Nobody else makes me feel that way.

Anyway I'm tired ... feeling better today ... just very tired.

this attitude needs some gratitude

2007-03-04T21:58:00.001-05:00

So here it is:

Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

being sober
having amazingly awesome AA friends
having a loving family that loves me and supports me
gliding through the wind on a beautiful day with my special guy on his motorcycle
watching a movie with friends
hanging out at the coffee shop with friends
having friends (they're all in AA -- AA's are the best friends in the world!)
knowing that one of my homegroup chicas faced something very challenging this week, and she has been willing to share what's going on, and she's stayed sober through it
having a job to get up for in the morning
the possibility of buying my dad's car (if the bank will help a bit)
having a nice warm, soft bed to sleep in
being tired enough to want to sleep
having the opportunity to embrace a coworker tomorrow who is returning to work from bereavement leave
shopping at the mall with mom today ... found a beautiful dress!
going to church this morning (for the second time since last summer). I felt a bit out of place, but the feeling got better as the service proceeded.
the "ice pack burn" on the back of my neck is almost completely healed (man, that really hurt!)
God, because He's there when nobody else is

positively challenged

2007-03-04T18:26:00.000-05:00

Step 4: "Took a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves."

It's really easy to see where I went wrong. It's more difficult to see what I've done right.

"So-and-so hurt me because I behaved this way ... I hurt this guy, I hurt that lady" -- it goes down a list a mile long. Eventually I start thinking "Yeah, I'm a bad person and I deserve to die in a fire." It's easy to fall into that mindset, and I have.

My sponsor told me to write good things about myself -- good things I did, good attributes I have. But it seems wrong to say anything good about myself. I've done good things, but so what? That's what people are supposed to do. They don't make up for the bad things I did or make me a better person.

I just don't feel comfortable trying to come up with anything positive. Some people can do that relatively easily ... but I'm not one of them.

stuck with me

2007-02-28T22:24:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, I want to withdraw from everything and everyone. Sometimes, I want to draw closer to them.

I always want the opposite of my situation. If I'm surrounded by awesome people, I want to be alone. If I'm alone, I don't want to be alone.

I couldn't wait for my favorite meeting tonight. But once I got there, I wanted to leave. I couldn't wait to be alone. So instead of hanging out after the meeting, I withdrew. Now that I'm alone, I don't want to be alone anymore ... and I'm frustrated with myself for being so fickle.

Is it because I'm uncomfortable with others, or is it because I'm uncomfortable with myself? Wherever I go, there I am -- totally out of place and inadequate. I have always considered that to be a part of "social anxiety" or "shyness", but the same feelings are there even when I'm alone. So there's something else I can't blame on anything but myself.

I'm in the middle of a fourth step, and right now I feel like the scum of the earth. I seriously don't like "me". I can get rid of others and be as alone as I want, but I'm still stuck with me.

in the shadow on the moon

2007-02-21T23:07:00.001-05:00

Today was a great day. It's been a great week. I feel happy.

I was driving home tonight after a meeting and a "meeting-after-the-meeting" at a coffee shop. I looked up and saw the moon. It looked beautiful.

Only about 25% of it was visible. The rest was in shadow.

And for some reason, the shadow caught my attention more than anything else. I wanted to be there, in the shadow.

I don't understand why.

so much to be grateful for

2007-02-18T22:08:00.001-05:00

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being sober for almost 10 and 1/2 months ... wow :)
not having to fight anything or anyone
not having to run away from anything or anyone
having my very first amazingly awesome and special Valentine's day
a Valentine's teddy bear that I can clutch when I'd rather be holding someone else
Valentine's candy. I got too much of it ... but maaaaan it's been good!
the wonderful people in AA. We're a group who would not ordinarily mix ... thank God we do!
discovering new Tuesday and Thursday night meetings
getting to support a friend at his wedding Saturday
my family still loves me
making progress on my fourth step, and not getting upset over anything. It's usually very easy to see where I went wrong
feeling less fear about the future
things going better at work
having people I can talk to every day, openly and honestly without fear of misunderstanding or judgment
ice packs and advil. One of my old neck injuries woke me up this morning, and today has been very painful. To make things worse, the ice pack burned my skin and left blisters behind. But at least I can breathe without pain now.
my car is on the verge of hitting the 100,000-mile mark. I'm so impressed! Never thought it would make it this far.
I have a job to get up for EARLY in the morning
God, because He heard me today

tall enough?

2007-02-11T23:03:00.000-05:00

The light bulb over my head finally turned on: Sometimes talking about this stuff works better than blogging about it.

That little discovery seems obvious to most people ... but I've never been able to talk to anyone about anything before. I can write about almost anything, but talking about it has always been (and still is) very difficult. There must be a disconnect between my brain and my mouth, because I can type much easier than I can speak.

So after talking about this, I'm feeling much better now. The discomfort yesterday was caused by something I didn't even blog about anyway.

Yesterday I felt "left out" because I wasn't included in something. It brought back the same feelings I had as a kid at the theme park. In front of the roller coasters, they have the sign that says "You must be at least this tall to ride". I remember my big brother standing next to the sign and being tall enough to ride. But I'd stand next to it, and I wouldn't be tall enough. So I'd have to watch him go on the ride and have all the fun. That sucked.

Well I felt like that yesterday. I felt inadequate. I wondered if I might have been included if I was better, cooler, or otherwise "not such a dumbass". That's a great way to ruin a day. And I ruined it quite sufficiently. (Not getting any sleep the night before and forgetting to eat all day didn't help either. I need to learn how to eat and sleep ...)

How often do we waste time and energy worrying about that kind of stuff? Fears of inadequacy are sometimes the most devastating fears. They take away what little confidence we have and replace it with self-contempt and downright self-hatred. I've got enough of that ... I don't need any more.

It's interesting how little things like this can have so much power over us. And for some unknown reason, I have this bizarre willingness to give it all the power it needs to ruin almost everything.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

staying sober
spending time with that guy who likes me for reasons I'll never understand
finding out I can talk about things that bother me ... it's not easy, but it's possible
my family & my dog
nice warm pajamas
a job to get up for in the morning
my car still works (woohoo!)
starting a new art/craft project ... I got all the stuff, now I just need time
God. He's laughing at me right now, but that's okay.

gratitude

2007-02-10T21:06:00.001-05:00

Today, I'm grateful for ...

not drinking today
not starting smoking today (Yeah, I was tempted to buy my first pack of cigarettes ... pretty stupid, eh? Everyone else wants to quit but can't do it ...)
not sleeping all day to avoid unpleasant feelings (was tempted to do that too)
AA buddies who called and text messaged with me today
online AA buddies who stop by and drop a line
my family, and going out with my mom for dinner
my dog ... he still loves me ... he still wants to be with me, and I don't understand why
my car ... it took me all over the place today. I love to be on the road going somewhere -- anywhere.
I didn't get lost in downtown today ... I usually get lost
that I can go to a shopping mall without feeling the need to buy anything. I haven't always been able to do that ...
warm, fuzzy pajamas to wear in my warm, soft bed
my job ... so many people want one but can't get one
feeling so exhausted that no amount of projection/worry in the WORLD can keep me awake all night again
God. I didn't feel Him today, but I know He was there.

can't sleep ... too busy projecting

2007-02-10T02:03:00.001-05:00

For the past two months, I've been blessed with having a special guy in my life. I found out today there's a good chance that his job will be relocating him to another city.

Thanks to this program, my first impulse is to trust God. I know that He has my life and my guy's life all planned out according to what's best for each of us. I'm extremely grateful that our lives happened to intersect for the past couple of months. That's been a huge blessing to us both.

Thanks to my alcoholism, my second impulse is to project stuff that hasn't happened yet and get upset over it. If he relocates, that would be a great career move for him. But he would most likely meet someone else who's better for him than I am. So that means I'd lose him, and I don't like that idea. At what point does loving someone mean holding on or letting go?

Nevermind the fact that none of this has even happened yet -- and may never happen, the drama is already playing and replaying in my head. The projection started a few hours ago, and oh boy -- it's obviously having a field day with me.

I'm powerless over God's will -- whether I fight it tooth and nail or peacefully submit to it -- whatever happens will happen. If I want to live a sober life, I must submit, accept, and do the next right thing ... but it has to actually happen first.

The projection is one issue -- but the self-centered fear is another. It bothers me that I'm more concerned about my loss than his benefit. That isn't love ... that's selfishness. So now I feel guilty for wishing he could stay. But if I truly had no opinion regarding whether he stays or leaves, that would mean I don't have feelings for him at all. So by simply preferring one of the two possible outcomes, does that mean I'm being selfish?

See? This projection stuff is bad ... it doesn't stop ... ever ... I'm at least going to stop typing now :)

desire to know God

2007-02-07T18:26:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours A Day, meditation for February 6:

"God finds, amid the crowd, a few people who follow Him, just to be near Him, just to dwell in His presence. A longing in the Eternal Heart my be satisfied by these few people. I will let God know that I seek just to dwell in His presence, to be near Him, not so much for teaching or a message, as just for Him. It may be that the longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is something caught from the Great Divine Heart.

"I pray that I may have a listening ear, so that God may speak to me. I pray that I may have a waiting heart, so that God may come to me."

Reading that yesterday made me stop and think ... Yes, I pray every day. But how much of it is out of selfish motives? Do I really want to share a spiritually intimate relationship with God, or am I just praying out of "duty"?

Lately, it's just been out of duty. I've prayed because it was the right thing to do -- not because I was interested in building a relationship with God. It's been more like a business transaction than anything else.

I didn't notice that until now. Interesting stuff.

conditional happiness in cubicle world

2007-02-03T16:45:00.000-05:00

Work is becoming increasingly hectic, so they had us come in this morning to work half a day. Yeah, I wanted to gripe and grumble, but I've worked most of my life in retail where I had to work morning and evening shifts on both Saturdays and Sundays every weekend ... so working 8-12 on a Saturday morning really isn't that bad in comparison.

But one of my favorite meetings is Saturday morning at 10am. As I watched the clock hit 9:15, the idea came to mind that I could bail out of work and go to the meeting. But after looking at the amount of work there was to do, I decided I'd put that decision off until I got more work done. The meeting was only a ten minute drive away.

When the clock hit 9:40, I really wanted to bail out of work and hit the meeting. At 9:50, I was overcome with that frantic newcomer feeling of "needing" a meeting (but that was just my alcoholic thinking kicking in: If I want something badly enough, I need it). I missed the people at that meeting and I really wanted to see them. And I knew that if I rushed out the door quickly enough I could make it in time.

But was it really all that crucial? The day before, I promised my boss and coworkers I'd work 8-12. My coworkers certainly weren't leaving -- they were working hard. I knew I'd feel guilty if I left early.

So I decided to stay at work. And I was pissed. I didn't want to be there. I really didn't want to be there.

"If only I could go to the meeting, then I'd be happy ... " But no, not really.

Then I realized I was placing conditions on my happiness:

"IF this happens, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF I get that, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF they do this, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF only I could do/be/become that, THEN I'll be happy."

Conditional happiness is never good. It requires an initial state of dissatisfaction: I won't be happy until I get what I want.

One problem with that kind of thinking is that it's cyclical. As soon as one demand is reached, another is generated, so I still won't be happy. Instead I'll want more, and I won't be happy until I get it. Then I'll want more, and I won't be happy until I get it. So I'll end up never being happy.

Looking for happiness is like conducting a solo but desperate search over hundreds of square miles of dangerous terrain to find my lost shoes -- while entirely oblivious to the fact that I'm already wearing them. Happiness doesn't need to be chased. It doesn't have to be acquired or purchased. It doesn't have to depend on the actions of other people or on the outcome of situations. It's always there in any circumstance -- I just have to be willing to recognize it.

Until I learn to be happy today, where I am, with what I have, with things being as they are, with people being who they are, I will never be happy.

Sometimes it's easy to experience contentment in any situation. Sometimes it's not so easy. But today I managed to be happy at work, albeit after a rough start -- but still, I'm grateful for that today. I'll make that meeting next week.

just when i got ready ...

2007-02-01T09:58:00.000-05:00

The weatherman said yesterday that we would be getting snow/ice/wintery mix today, and he was right. Woke up this morning and it was snowing.

In most parts of the country, that's not a big deal. But here? It's a big deal. They cancelled school and many businesses shut down (except for the company I work for ... it never shuts down).

The local news weathermen are gloating -- because for the first time in their lives, they have managed to forecast the weather correctly.

While trying to decide whether to brave the crazy streets and go to work this morning, I glanced at a traffic report on a local news site. Accident reports were multiplying. People around here can't drive in the snow.

We're a bunch of instant idiots -- just add snow. I figured I could drive okay, but that doesn't matter if some guy named "Bubba" loses control of his pickup truck and totals my car.

So I decided I'd wait around the house until the roads clear.

A few hours later, it stopped snowing. The road in front of my house was clear. No ice or snow anywhere in the road. So I started getting ready to go to work.

Just as I got ready to leave -- boots, jeans, sweater, jacket, coat, scarf, gloves, hat, purse, cell phone -- I looked out the front door to see this:

It was really coming down. Hrm, so much for the road being clear.

But was it really undrivable? Really? A walk out to the street revealed few inches of slush and ice. I was pretty confident I could drive in it, but the thought of crazy Bubba in his out-of-control pickup sent me back inside.

According to the latest traffic report, 10 new accidents have just been reported in the last five minutes. (See? I told you nobody here can drive in the snow!) (Post script: 20 minutes after I wrote this, there were an additional 30 more accidents ... yeah ...)

The rest of the forecast today is 2-4 inches of snow followed by 2 inches of ice/freezing rain. Looks like I won't be going anywhere today.

It's hard not to worry about work and the hell I'll be facing when I finally get back there. Oh well.

In the mean time, I can work on my fourth step and try to chill out a bit. Pun intended.

I'll close with a picture of my dog running through the snow. He's never seen snow before ... he loves it :)

new difficulty: living sober without desperation

2007-01-29T21:28:00.000-05:00

It's easy to go to meetings and do whatever it takes to stay sober when I have a certain amount of desperation motivating me. Staying sober in the beginning was a constant battle that I was terrified to lose.

But now, there is no battle. There are no cravings. The desperation that kept me doing all the right things is gone.

I didn't want to go to a meeting tonight. I'm tired. I didn't go last night or the night before. I was tired then too. Energy was not a factor of influence when I was desperate. Meetings take up increasingly more energy than they used to.

At most meetings in my area, you're expected to arrive with sufficient pretentious fakery to appear as if you're a poster child of AA. At a typical meeting, there are usually anywhere from 50-100 people, and each one of them maniacally insists on hugging me. (I hate it when complete strangers insist on hugging me ... it makes me want to physically harm them.)

They stand around talking while shot up with caffeine, wearing plastic smiles plastered onto their faces, sporting their newest preppy clothes, and pretending to be happy social butterflies -- usually because their sponsor is watching them from across the room.

Well that's good for them, but it makes me uncomfortable. It gives me the impression that I can't be honest there because the whole thing is fake. I don't have the energy to deal with it right now.

I'm grateful that my homegroup is open and honest -- I just wish it met more often than two nights a week. It's okay if I don't arrive freakishly happy. I don't have to be dressed like an Ann Taylor model. I don't have to pretend that everything is okay when it isn't. I don't have to socialize with putridly happy fake people. Instead, I can be real because my homegroup members are real.

In the past, I was willing to put up with things I didn't like because I was desperate to stay sober -- even if it meant playing someone else's game to fit in at a meeting. But now staying sober is normal. Every sober day is no longer a miracle. It's just another normal day. I no longer ask God to keep me sober, because that's not a problem anymore ... but I usually remember to thank Him for it.

I guess this is just some kind of strange transition that I never expected to make. I never thought that my 24/7 daily obsession with alcohol would just go away. Where did it go? Why? It feels strangely unnatural ... as if I've lost my shadow.

Does this mean I can drink now? Sure -- I can drink alcohol almost as safely as I can drink cyanide. Either one will kill me. I'm just baffled as to why the obsession is gone ... and the desperation too. You'd think I'd be happy to get rid of the desperation, but I'm kind of scared not to have it.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 298 days sober
the awesome people in my homegroup
my family
fourth step work
having people in my life that I can talk to
having a job that worked me 50 hours last week and wants me back earrrrly tomorrow morning
text messaging on my cell phone
my dog
my nice soft bed ... getting sleepy
God, because I can fall asleep without worrying about anything

early adventures in step four

2007-01-21T22:37:00.000-05:00

My sponsor had me start working on the 4th step this week. She told me to start by listing all the times that people made me mad or hurt my feelings -- in the typical columnar format presented in the Big Book (their name, what they did, how it affected me) plus the extra column for indicating "my role".

Here's a good tip for anyone starting a 4th step -- I learned this the hard way: I had this bright idea to work on my 4th step during my lunch hour at work. I normally go out to my car over my lunch break, so why not be dedicated and work on my 4th step while I'm out there? Monday went okay. But on Tuesday, man oh man, I got all emotional over one item and didn't want to go back into work! So lesson learned there: no more lunch break 4th step work. Looks like it's best to do this when there is time to chill out afterwards.

Other than that, I'm just having a hard time remembering times that people angered or hurt me. I've always gotten over those things by either blaming myself for causing/contributing or deciding the other person was too sick to realize what they did -- then I'd blame myself for feeling angry or hurt toward a sick person in the first place. That was usually done out of an arrogant victim mentality. I also got over some of them by intentionally blocking them out of memory -- because after only two pages of writing, I'm stumped.

I'm keeping a little notebook with me to jot down anything that comes to mind. They seem to trickle in one at a time during odd moments, like when watching TV at my boyfriend's mom's house after dinner last night. It's not upsetting to remember them -- it's all water under the bridge. But it's strange that I can't remember it all at once.

Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

being 290 days sober
having a sponsor
having stepwork to do
having people in the program to talk to
a very sweet and generous guy who shares his time with me
a family that loves me
a dog that lets me cuddle with him when he's sleepy
a fixed car that will start in the morning
a job to get up for in a few short hours
God, because He has all of this mapped out somehow

looking back ...

2007-01-18T18:51:00.000-05:00

Here's the Daily Reflection for 1/18:

WOULD A DRINK HELP?

"By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 23

When I was still drinking, I couldn't respond to any of life's situations the way other, more healthy, people could. The smallest incident triggered a state of mind that believed I had to have a drink to numb my feelings. But the numbing did not improve the situation, so I sought further escape in the bottle. Today I must be aware of my alcoholism. I cannot afford to believe that I have gained control of my drinking -- or again I will think I have gained control of my life. Such a feeling of control is fatal to my recovery.

I read that Daily Reflection this morning and it brought back so many memories. I remember when the smallest little upset would trigger desperate desire to drink -- and that need to drink was as real and as urgent as the need to breathe.

If I didn't get my way, I needed a drink. If I felt left out, I needed a drink. If I was stressed out, I needed a drink. If I felt guilty, I needed a drink. If I felt drunk, I needed a drink. If I didn't feel drunk, I needed a drink. If I woke up alive and breathing that morning, I needed a drink.

If no alcohol was around, panic would set in. The desperate panic would grow increasingly worse until I finally took a drink. I simply could not function without alcohol.

Today, I'm grateful that I no longer need a drink. I don't need one for the small stuff OR for the big stuff. I can experience life and all the stuff it throws at me without even thinking of a drink.

What a miracle.

it's gettin cold!

2007-01-17T23:00:00.001-05:00

So last weekend I was riding on a Harley for the first time in beautiful 70-degree weather (that's about 21 degrees C). Beautiful weather! It's been like that all winter long. But tonight it's supposed to get icy and could possibly snow.

It's funny how things can change so quickly. Not only with the weather, but with my attitudes and outlook.

Some days start out great but end messy because I allow people and circumstances to dictate my emotions. Other days feel great -- regardless of what happens. It all depends on spiritual condition.

The hardest thing for me is learning how to "restart" a bad day. I hear people talk about that in meetings all the time as if it's no big deal. "Who wants to be miserable?" they say. Well ... sometimes I do.

Sometimes I feel entitled to misery: I either deserve to feel bad for something I did wrong, or I have a right to be angry for something someone else did wrong. And in certain conditions, I don't want to let go of it. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be happy or "restart" my day. Then I get trapped in nonsensical determination to stay miserable.

Why? I really don't get it. Most people have a genuine desire to be happy. I don't understand why I experience times in which I seem to have a genuine desire to be miserable. I dunno if that's because I'm a total freak or what.

The past few weeks have been really hard at work. It's difficult to keep perspective. It's difficult to stay positive in an environment that has dramatically turned negative. That's been the bulk of my difficulties lately.

But I'm glad for this program, and especially for one of my favorite slogans -- "Do the next right thing." Regardless of how I feel, I can always keep doing the next right thing. Whether that means calling my sponsor or another alcoholic, saying a prayer, working on a step, helping out at a meeting, praying for someone who hurt me, whatever. I can do that. It's all I can do. It's keeping me sober so far.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 286 days sober
the amazing people in this program. God speaks to me through you
my awesome family. They have been patient with me
my adorable dog. He just wants to play, and play, and play ...
my car -- my dad & brother found out it needs a new spark plug. I was afraid the whole car was gonna be scrapped ...
my job, which is teaching me more than job-related skills
God, because He always provides a "next right thing" for me to do

"take away my difficulties" -- eh?

2007-01-15T22:59:00.000-05:00

I did the third step with my sponsor yesterday. (The third step is where we "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.")

So she had me kneel down with her and pray the third step prayer out of the Big Book. I've read that prayer dozens of times before, and I've prayed variations of it every day for the past several months. But for some reason, one part of it bothered me when I prayed it with her. I didn't say anything about it to her at the time. Today, it's been gnawing at me. Yeah, that's what generally happens when I clam up about stuff that bothers me ...

Here's the prayer:

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Well that seems innocent enough. But here's the issue: What's up with the "Take away my difficulties" part? If I have difficulties in my life, it's because I have lessons to learn and/or consequences to face. In the past, I would have wanted to avoid experiencing those difficulties. But now I'm scared to avoid them. The desire to escape or avoid something is huge red flag for me.

I don't want God to take away my difficulties. When life is good, I get comfortable. Comfort is bad. Comfort brews complacency, self-absorption, conceit, and pride. I stop growing spiritually and my ego grows instead. Then "BAM!" Something absolutely devastating happens that rocks my comfortable little world and I'm left desperately looking for something to cling to.

The Big Book says,

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. 'How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done.' These are thoughts which must go with us constantly."

Would I be thinking in that frame of mind if God took away my difficulties? Hell no! I'm only inclined to maintain my spiritual condition when some degree of pain is involved. I'm especially inclined to do so when the pain exceeds my ability to cope.

I really don't know where I'm going with this now. I guess I'm just scared of getting too comfortable. I don't trust myself. Maybe I wasn't ready for the third step after all. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Okay it's time to go to bed!

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 284 days sober
my sponsor ... she's willing to spend time with me
two homegroup chicas celebrating AA anniversaries -- one last week, one today
this cool guy who took me on my first motorcycle ride ever (wow, that was fun!)
getting to know people in the program
my family still loving me
my dog still being happy to see me
my car still working
still having a job, and learning how to have good days during bad days
God, because He gives me what I need, and not necessarily what I stupidly want

"fear of people"

2007-01-09T23:32:00.000-05:00

Okay, time to spew some discomfort before it goes nuclear:

It's not that I FEAR people. They just freak me out. I don't mix well.

I would rather watch people from a safe distance than participate with them. It reminds me of how the cameraman must feel on National Geographic. He just films the animals from a distance and never interferes. That's my comfort level when it comes to people. Any more interaction than that makes me uncomfortable.

I find comfort in being excluded. When several people plan to go somewhere to do something social, my first impulse is to pretend not to hear them and to leave quickly without being noticed. That's more comfortable than someone noticing me and awkwardly offering an unplanned invitation that they didn't want to offer in the first place. The idea that perhaps they want me with them makes me feel suspicious. Nobody wants me. They just want something from me. (At least, that's what my stupid alcoholic brain tells me ... but I usually know better than to believe it.)

But I seem to do okay with people if given a structured task. At the meeting tonight, I found myself being a self-appointed "greeter". And I just realized that I subconsciously assumed that role at this meeting every week for the past two months. I guess I did it because 1) I can't stand the chaos of an open social setting, and 2) I'd feel guilty if I sat in a dark corner and just waited for the meeting to start. At least in a greeting setting, I'm limited to saying "hi" and not expected to carry on a conversation.

Conversations scare the hell out of me lately. I'm usually either too tired or too hyper to think clearly. For the past couple of weeks, I've been absolutely braindead. Coordinating a smile and a "Hi" now possesses a level of difficulty similar to rocket science.

And I just love it when my sponsor asks, "How was your day?" And all I can think to reply with is, "Fine. How was yours?" Although I know in the back of my mind that there were a dozen different things I need to talk to her about, but I can't remember any of them. Dammit. Braindead. Again.

I'm tired. And feeling kinda stupid :P

hope started one year ago today

2007-01-08T14:57:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, I went to the website of Alcoholics Anonymous in search of hope.

I didn't think it was possible for me to live day to day without drinking. But I knew for certain that I could no longer live my life under the constant influence and obsession of alcohol. I either needed to find a way to live without drinking, or I needed to die.

I was skeptical that AA would be able to help me. After all, it's where the courts send drunk drivers. I knew that I was a real alcoholic, and real alcoholics are hopeless people who either drink themselves to death or die in stupid accidents. So I didn't want to waste my time with AA if it just turned out to be a DUI/DWI correctional class.

AA's website had a link for the "Big Book" online. I read the chapter called "Bill's Story". At first, I didn't identify with Bill very much. I wasn't male, wasn't in the military, wasn't a "professional", was never rich, never married, didn't drink what he drank, etc.

But then I came to this part in his story:

"It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was to plunge into the dark, joining that endless procession of sots who had gone on before ...

"No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master" (Big Book, p. 8).

This was the first time that I ever felt an ounce of hope regarding my alcoholism.

Why? For the first time in my life, I witnessed another human being feeling exactly what I felt -- the hopelessness, the fear, the shame, the humiliation, the desperation, the absolute defeat from alcohol. I came to realize that my problem wasn't so unique -- that even in the midst of my most lonesome grief, I was never alone in my experience of alcoholism.

The following chapters in the Big Book convinced me that my situation was not hopeless after all. I came to believe that I could have my life back.

That was one year ago today.

And today, I'm grateful to have my life back.

another day, another chip

2007-01-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

I got a color upgrade on my AA chip today. Went from yellow to green. I've been continuously sober for nine months.

I felt kind of stupid today when people congratulated me. Let me (try to) explain:

Imagine what it would be like if you had a next door neighbor who compulsively beat his head into his concrete driveway every day, all day, for years. Even after tearful friends and family members begged him to stop, and doctors warned him of the dangers of his behavior, he continued. Then one day he had a spiritual experience and suddenly stopped beating his head into his driveway.

If that was my neighbor, I'd think, "Good grief! The idiot finally stopped!" The thought wouldn't cross my mind to congratulate him. He merely stopped doing something incredibly stupid.

Do you think he deserves to be congratulated after nine months of abstinence from beating his head into his driveway? Is that really so commendable? I don't think so. He simply stopped doing something incredibly stupid ... for nine months. Big deal!

I feel like I've done the same thing with my alcoholism. It's nothing to be congratulated about. I didn't die and I didn't engage in my incredibly stupid compulsive behavior for nine months. And even that wasn't of my own making -- it was by the grace of God and the people in AA.

There's been alot of spiritual and personal growth too, and that is what makes sobriety worthwhile. I'd be in absolute misery without the growth I've experienced in this program and the relationship I'm developing with God and other people.

Still, it feels weird to be congratulated for something I had nothing to do with.

So congratulate God and yourselves. Thanks for helping me to stay sober for another chip.

better

2007-01-02T23:31:00.001-05:00

Went to a step study tonight ... and I'm feeling better. I see many places where I went wrong.

I really set myself up for a dry bender yesterday:

I didn't pray.
I didn't call my sponsor the day before. (She called me and left a voicemail ... which I didn't care to return).
I allowed my emotions to be governed by my circumstances and the actions of other people.
I wanted to do things my way.
I allowed negative feelings to build -- instead of talking to someone or praying about it.
I also didn't take care of myself physically. I slept four hours the night before and forgot to eat all day. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired ...

So yeah, that's basically "asking for it". Endured the emotional hangover today. Cleaned up some wreckage (or tried to anyway). Feeling better.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 271 days dry (semi-sober)
the step study meeting tonight
the cool guy who showed up at the END of the step study meeting tonight ;)
some friends who listened, emailed, and shared their thoughts
my dog is still alive. He escaped from the back yard today and nearly wandered to a busy road to get run over.
my family still likes me
the gears are sticking in my car ... but it still works! Woohoo!
I still have a job to wake up for in the morning ... early in the morning ... in six hours ... damn I'm tired!
God, because He doesn't leave me alone (even when I think I want Him to)

we CLAIM spiritual progress ...

2007-01-01T21:03:00.000-05:00

... but "claiming" spiritual progress and actually making it are two different things.

Things didn't go my way today. My perfect and almighty expectations were not met. Some plans didn't work out the way I thought they should this morning, and my sponsor didn't behave like I thought she should have. Because I know what's best for everything. (I'm being sarcastic here.)

Normally this kind of stuff doesn't bother me. Things can go wrong, people can be unreasonable, and I'll just smile and roll along with it. But today, I feel crippled by it.

We're granted a daily reprieve contingent on our spiritual condition. Mine must not be so good today.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 270 damn days dry (not "sober" today ... just "dry")
sharing a fantastic New Year's eve with a great guy
having my grandparents over
going back to work tomorrow
having a Big Book to read (or throw)
my car still works
my dog still likes me
my family still likes me
God and all His practical jokes

charlie brown's little tree

2006-12-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

(Or click here to watch at You Tube)

In the video clip above, Charlie Brown thinks he killed his Christmas tree and exclaims, "Oh, everything I touch gets ruined!" Then he walks away sad.

When I saw that today, it reminded me that I often have the same reaction when things don't work out the way I want them to. If one little thing goes wrong, I'm suddenly a complete and total failure of a human being.

At least, that's my instinctive reaction. That doesn't mean I have to think or act that way. I'm glad to be learning a better way to handle life. When put into perspective, my life's worst problems really aren't that bad.

Serenity isn't when everything in my life is wonderful. It's when everything sucks, but I find the willingness to accept it as it is and move on to do the next right thing. Sounds simple. But usually the most simple things in life are the most difficult to perform consistently, if at all.

I'm grateful to be sober this Christmas. And I'm beyond grateful for the people in this program ...

Happy Holidays, everyone.

small reflection

2006-12-17T22:37:00.000-05:00

Today, I heard a song that I haven't heard since my last drunk days and earliest sober days. It has caused me to reflect a bit on how things have changed over the past year.

A year ago at this time, I was limited to copying and pasting song lyrics in my blog -- usually because I was too drunk to type. Well with the exception of [this other post], which was written at the beginning of a drunk that I REALLY didn't want to start. I didn't want to drink again. I desperately wanted to stop. But I still drank even before that post was finished.

A year ago, the lights were on but nobody was home. I was emotionally unavailable to the people most important to me. The only thing that mattered was my own pain and NEED to numb it with alcohol. The only thing that kept me alive was my victim mentality and my insistence on blaming everything but myself for my own misery.

The song I heard today was one that I played repeatedly on loop during the last week of December 2005 and the entire months of January through March 2006. (Umm, yeah ... I was really screwed up ... )

By adding my own interpretation to the lyrics, they inspired me to change. I needed to keep hearing the words over and over:

To live and not to breathe
Is to die in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

I lost my faith to please
This town that don't exist
So I run, I run away
To the light of masochist

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

And I've walked this line
A million and one f*cking tries

But not this time

- Green Day, "Jesus of Suburbia"

I can't say how many times I tearfully white-knuckled it through cravings while hearing those words. It was good to hear them again today.

Today, I'm especially grateful because ...

I'm 255 days sober.
The mental and emotional hurricane that alcohol created in my life has stopped.
I'm no longer walking the line between drunkenness and sanity.
I lost my faith to incomprehensible demoralization as a result of repeatedly failing to control my drinking, but now I've found something to believe that keeps me sober.
I'm not afraid to have hope.
I'm not afraid to fail.
I no longer need things to go my way, or to go according to my plans.
I no longer need people to behave in a certain way to make me happy.
I don't walk alone anymore.
God made this happen.

"the right kind of world"

2006-12-15T07:43:00.000-05:00

A.A. Thought For The Day, from "Twenty-Four Hours A Day":

Service to others makes the world a good place. Civilization would cease if all of us were always and only for ourselves. We alcoholics have a wonderful opportunity to contribute to the well-being of the world. We have a common problem. We find a common answer. We are uniquely equipped to help others with the same problem. What a wonderful world it would be if everybody took their own greatest problem and found the answer to it and spent the rest of their lives helping others with the same problem, in their spare time. Soon we would have the right kind of a world. Do I appreciate my unique opportunity to be of service?

Meditation For The Day

Today can be lived in the consciousness of God's contact, upholding you in all good thoughts, words and deeds. If sometimes there seems to be a shadow on your life and you feel out of sorts, remember that this is not the withdrawal of God's presence, but only your own temporary unwillingness to realize it. The quiet gray days are the days for doing what you must do, but know that the consciousness of God's nearness will return and be with you again, when the gray days are past.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may face the dull days with courage. I pray that I may have faith that the bright days will return.

It's been a while since I've made an entry. I've been so busy lately -- even too busy to blog! But when I read this devotional this morning, I couldn't help but want to share it.

"What a wonderful world it would be if everybody took their own greatest problem and found the answer to it and spent the rest of their lives helping others with the same problem, in their spare time. Soon we would have the right kind of a world."

Many hugs and much love to all :)

gratitude exists on mondays too

2006-12-11T22:50:00.000-05:00

Today, I am especially grateful for ...

being 249 days sober
having an awesome weekend
getting to a meeting tonight ... even though I kind of didn't want to go (that means I NEED to go)
hearing again that I never have to take another drink. There was a time when that was not an option for me. How quickly I forget the agonizing desperation of those hopeless days and nights ...
the awesome people in AA who share their experience, strength, and hope
hearing heartfelt stories from people in the program that I don't know very well
getting to talk with my sponsor this evening
eating dinner with my family tonight
getting to say "goodbye" to a special someone who's going out of town
having a nice warm place to sleep tonight
buying a Christmas present for someone today
having a job to get up for in the morning ... early in the morning
being very tired tonight -- probably tired enough to sleep!
God, because He keeps the world spinning without needing my "help"

this post is brought to you by the number 2

2006-12-07T23:37:00.001-05:00

Today, I'm very grateful for ...

being eight months & one day sober
working Step 2 with my sponsor tonight
being assigned work for Step 3
the amazing people in this program who continually show me how to be a better person
developing relationships and getting to know people better
not feeling so "lost" in AA anymore. Everybody's got a place, and it's helping someone else.
having a nice, warm bed to sleep in tonight (it's COLD outside!)
having an understanding and patient family
my dog, because he just wants to play. Always. PLAY!
my cell phone, because I dunno how I ever lived without one
God, because although I sometimes try to do His job, He never tries to do mine

embracing emotions

2006-12-04T23:30:00.000-05:00

From Courage to Change - One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II, entry for December 4:

In the past, many of us learned to make choices strictly on the basis of our feelings, as if feelings were facts. If we were frightened about taking a certain action, for example, it was best avoided. There was no middle ground and no room for more than one feeling at a time.

Part of recovery involves learning that feelings aren't facts. I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts. There is more to my identity than one feeling or another, one problem or another. I am a wealth of contradictions. I can value all of my feelings without allowing them to dictate my actions.

Today I can feel anger toward someone and still love them. I can feel afraid of new experiences, yet move forward through them. I can survive being hurt without giving up on love. And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again.

TODAY'S REMINDER

Today I am learning to embrace my complexities and contradictions and to be grateful for the rightness they bring.

"Life, for all its agonies ... is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing ... and whatever is to come after it -- we shall not have this life again." -- Rose Macaulay

Physical discomfort has always been easy for me to handle. (Hey -- if it hurts, it's still attached! That's usually good!) But I've been a total wuss in regards to emotional discomfort. I've always avoided emotional discomfort at all costs.

The past couple of months have been damn scary. Being mostly isolated for so long, I've been afraid to open up to people. I've been afraid to call other alcoholics. I've been afraid to show up to every meeting 30 minutes early (as directed by my sponsor). The anxiety kills me. I hate it.

At the same time, I've been facing those fears. I have to decide that I'm willing to experience the discomfort that these situations generate. Sometimes I'm more willing than others.

As of now, I'm very grateful for the people I've met in the program. I wouldn't know them if I had stayed clammed up in the corner. I wouldn't know about someone's son being in trouble, about someone else having a hard time finding a job, or about someone else who needs a ride to a meeting. These people are just like me. Why am I afraid?

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 243 days sober
going back to the meeting I wanted to avoid last week
hearing a fantastic speaker tonight
talking with other alcoholics today
AA buddies, online and off
getting to play with my dog
my family decorating the house
learning more stuff at work
having time to RTFM before work
the beautiful day
God, because He puts people in my life for a good reason

grrratitude

2006-12-03T21:40:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 241 dayum days sober
the awesome ladies in this program who talked to me today
still having a sponsor who's willing to help me through the steps
AA buddies, online and off
going to a new meeting tonight, and being asked to do service work there
having an absolute blast of a weekend ... wow :)
having a job to get up for in the morning
having an understanding family
being absolutely exhausted and ready to collapse
the Cowboys won! :D
praying for willingness
God, because no matter what happens, He's there

definitions of "restore" and "sanity"

2006-12-03T09:09:00.000-05:00

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

As part of working the second step, my sponsor told me to look up the definitions of "restore" and "sanity" in the dictionary. So here they are:

restore:

• verb 1 return to a former condition, place, or owner. 2 repair or renovate (a building, work of art, etc.). 3 bring back (a previous practice, right, or situation); reinstate.
— DERIVATIVES restorable adjective restorer noun.
— ORIGIN Latin restaurare ‘rebuild, restore’.

sanity:

• noun 1 the condition of being sane. 2 reasonable and rational behaviour.

Ah, reasonable and rational behavior. When I was drinking, my behavior was never reasonable or rational. Sometimes my behavior is not reasonable or rational even now that I'm sober -- but I've learned that if I catch the behavior fast enough, I can give it to God and start over.

The trick is to stop the emotional avalanche before it gains too much momentum. Once that happens, LOOK OUT! Worlds collide, the sky falls, and geologists millions of years from now will discover a curiously anomolous layer in the earth's crust and know instantly, "Oh! This was when she got upset!" ("She" being myself, of course.) At least, that's how important my self-generated crises FEEL when my mind is consumed by them. I often forget that situations viewed through my distorted emotions are actually much less significant than they appear to be.

I found the derivatives of "restore" to be interesting. Am I "restorable"? I believe so. It would be quite egotistical to believe that MY problems are SO big and SO bad that even an omnipotent being (the "restorer") could be crushed by them. But that is what I sometimes want to believe. I have occasionally found a morbid sense of comfort in thinking myself to be hopeless. But as each day passes, I'm learning to find real comfort in knowing that there is no limit to God's ability and willingness to help me -- and finding out that my problems are not so special after all. I experience that help each day when I earnestly seek it and keep doing "the next right thing".

The Big Book of AA says:

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power," (p. 42).

"Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought," (p.60)

thx simpsons parody

2006-12-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

You know the THX sound system advertisement often seen at the beginning of movies? I thought this was a pretty funny parody of it.

Click Play below or [Click Here] to view at Google Video.

we agnostics

2006-11-30T22:48:00.000-05:00

My sponsor told me to read the chapter "We Agnostics" out of the Big Book. As usual, I'm glad I did what she told me. (RTFM: Read this chapter in .pdf HERE, or view other Big Book chapters HERE.)

Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness (p. 48).

"Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became open minded ... "

This reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons where Homer was about to get killed by a rhinoceros. He screams, "I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha -- I love you all!"

When faced with impending death, the fancy details of religion and spirituality suddenly don't matter.

At this point in my sobriety, those fancy details still don't matter. Is there life after death? Is there a hell? Is there a heaven? Do we get reincarnated? Are angels real? I don't care. None of that has anything to do with keeping me sober today. I have a problem that experience has repeatedly demonstrated to be unrepairable by human power, and the only thing that can help me is a Power greater than myself. That's the only theology that matters to me right now.

Alcohol beat me into a state of reasonableness. I had no choice but to try something new, because my ideas didn't work.

Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does?

... When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did (p. 52).

The God idea works for my AA buddies, and it works for me too -- when I'm willing to let it.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 238 days sober
getting to hear my sponsor's sponsor at a speaker meeting tonight -- and finding out that my sponsor's sponsor knows her sponsor's sponsor. That's pretty cool.
AA buddies online and off
having my family
my adorable dog -- who seems to be learning not to jump on me when I come home from work wearing a nice suit
my car -- it works! It really works!
my mp3 player, because it drowns out the Christmas "elevator music" they're playing at work
I have a job. OMG! I have a job!
knowing that I could lose everything tonight if I choose to take a drink
God, because He's so much more patient than I am

knowing the person i am

2006-11-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

From yesterday's entry in Courage to Change - One Day at a Time in AlAnon II:

My life is in a constant state of change. Awareness allows me to keep pace with that change. Today let me listen to my words and watch my actions. Only by knowing the person I am can I create the person I want to become.

"Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something molded." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The concept of "spiritual progress not spiritual perfection" is awesome. I'm glad that I don't have to live up to any particular benchmark or achievement. Just one day at a time, staying sober, and growing spiritually is all that matters.

I'm supposed to take who I was yesterday and try to improve it today. It's all about allowing God to shape me into His idea, and being willing to experience discomfort in the process.

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." -- Booker T. Washington

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 238 days sober
my awesome kickass homegroup ... I love these people
getting to know individual homegroup members better
learning (slowly) how to open up ... it's hard
learning to handle anxiety without even thinking of drinking
my job, which I am so fortunate to have
my family, which I am beyond fortunate to have
God, because everything in my life was put there for a purpose

a new meeting

2006-11-27T22:35:00.001-05:00

Went to a new meeting tonight. My sponsor recommended I try it. I really didn't want to go -- I wanted to go to my regular meeting instead. I don't like going to new meetings.

When I got to the new place, it was huge. The parking lot was packed. I parked the car and immediately started coming up with reasons to leave. "I don't like big meetings. There are too many people here. I'm tired. I have a headache. It's going to take 30 minutes to get out of the parking lot when this is over. I want to go home and go to bed!" ... etc.

This was like a reverse flashback to my old drinking days: I'd sit outside the liquor store and try to reason my way out. Now I'm sitting outside AA meetings trying to reason my way out. Go figure.

Anyway, I ended up going to the meeting, and I'm glad that I did.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 235 days sober
living in an area where there are so many AA meetings that I can't decide where to go on any given day
having a sponsor who makes recommendations for me
having a job to wake up for in the morning
looking forward to my homegroup meeting Wednesday night
getting good news from one of my homegroup chicas
the many awesome people in this program ...
being tired enough to sleep tonight
God, because He always provides a way to do the right thing.

been there, done that, here's a teeshirt

2006-11-26T20:33:00.001-05:00

And of course, it wasn't nearly as scary as I made it out to be. I've been worried all week ... for that?

Over the past few weeks up until recently, I felt such a connection with God that nothing worried me. I was fine whether the best happened or the worst. It's interesting how "this too shall pass." And that's okay. It just makes for a more interesting learning experience.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 234 damn days sober
working a step with my new sponsor
having a sponsor
having more stepwork to do
the Big Book
getting to talk with another alcoholic today
getting to go back to work tomorrow. I have a job!
awesome AA buddies, online and off
my dog -- he's feeling better
caffeine
Starbucks -- my favorite source of caffeine
my car works! Woohoo!
my family supports me in my recovery
God, because He has provided a program that gives me hope

nerves of squeal

2006-11-26T09:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, so ALL of the stepwork I've been doing for the past few weeks is going to be presented to my sponsor this afternoon.

I'm scared as hell.

It's only Step 1 -- which I've done with another sponsor before. My new sponsor wanted to start at the beginning, which is fine by me. I'm at the point that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to work this program correctly. My way does not work. I'm just damn lucky that I've stayed dry for this long and that anyone is willing to sponsor me!

It's hilarious how nervous I am. I did everything she asked me to do with complete honesty and openness. Maybe that's why I'm so nervous ...

But anyway, I'm grateful to be sober today. I'm so grateful for the awesome people in this program. I don't have to be alone anymore. I normally call two alcoholics every day. But yesterday, I called 11. Had to leave voicemails with most of them -- I only got to talk with four. But I'm so grateful for those four! I'm fortunate that anyone is willing to talk to me at all.

So for the rest of the day, I'll try not to be a nervous wreck. It's just a step, not a witch trial. Unless my sponsor has a firing squad pole in her back yard with my name on it, everything should go okay :)

PS ... If I'm this nervous about Step 1, WTF am I going to do about Step 5?

friday grAAtitude

2006-11-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 232 days sober
my kickass homegroup
the warm fire the guys built at the outside meeting tonight
meeting up for coffee, hot chocolate, music, and dice after the meeting tonight :)
this program focusing on making progress ... sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly
my adorable dog, who can hardly walk due to a recent hip injury -- yet he gets up and runs to see me when I walk in the door. I pray that I will learn that kind of enthusiasm in my life, that I would get up and run to God and to others with enthusiasm regardless of the pain.
my supportive family
not working in retail today ("Black Friday" is a scary day to work in retail!)
my new mp3 player. They've started playing instrumental Christmas music over the speakers at work. Yeah. The kind that makes you go nuts. Thank GOD for the mp3 player ...
my car works! Woohoo!
Thanksgiving leftovers
the beautiful sunshine and cool breeze today
feeling accepted
finding myself sincerely caring for others and their situations
staying sober this week
calling other alcoholics, and them being willing to talk to me
God, because when I feel most alone, I'm most able to feel Him with me.

'tis the day before thanksgiving ...

2006-11-22T06:56:00.000-05:00

"Umm, has anyone seen Big Bird?"

it takes a village

2006-11-21T23:14:00.001-05:00

A cool chick picked up a three year chip tonight. She thanked the group for helping her to stay sober, and she made the comment, "It takes a village to raise an alcoholic." How true!

But there was a time in my earlier sobriety where I didn't feel like I belonged to the AA village. I felt like someone who hasn't been rejected yet. I knew I needed AA, but I didn't feel connected. I grew resentful toward the program and toward the people in it.

One day I heard a long-timer give a newcomer some advice: "Go to meetings until you want to go to meetings. Then go to meetings." I took that advice. I dragged myself to two meetings every day.

It didn't take long for me to start wanting to go to meetings. And then I started getting excited about going to meetings. Then it wasn't about going to the meeting anymore -- it was about catching up with people there to see how they're doing.

I started to see how each person in AA helped me, and how I could help them too. Before I knew it, I finally felt like I was a part of the AA village.

Looking back, I realize that I felt disconnected because I didn't connect myself. I'm grateful that I've learned how to connect to this program. I'm no longer trying to raise myself -- I have the help of a whole village.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 230 days sober
AA buddies, online and off
my awesome homegroup
my sponsor
my supportive family
living in an area with abundant meetings
God, because He creates hope

maximum service

2006-11-20T19:10:00.000-05:00

"At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us" (Big Book, p. 77).

This has always been my favorite quote from the Big Book. But I was thinking about it on the way home from work today: "What have I done to fit myself to be of maximum service?"

I feel like I should be DOING something. If you want to be a body builder, you lift weights. If you want to be a marathon runner, you run. If you want to be of maximum service to God and other people, you ... do ... what ... exactly?

Obviously working the 12 Steps with a sponsor plays a huge role. Calling other alcoholics and providing encouragement is a big part too. Doing service work is another. Staying sober makes it all possible.

But I still feel like I'm missing something. I'm just feeling a bit uneasy or "off" somehow.

What do you do to fit yourself to be of maximum service to God and the people around you?

ultimate fighting championship

2006-11-19T18:26:00.000-05:00

WOW -- this has got to be the best UFC fight ever! Either click "Play" below, or [click here] to view at YouTube.

(Works best on fast connection)

doing good

2006-11-18T23:32:00.000-05:00

It always amazes me to see people doing good things in the world.

Today I was fortunate to spend some time at a kids party. It was arranged like a carnival in a store parking lot and was being run by several biker clubs. Society in general tends to regard bikers with a certain amount of distrust, so it seemed especially cool to see the various clubs working together to make something fun for the local kids.

(Hey, for any sober bikers in recovery out there, Motorcycle Mike has an awesome blog [HERE]. Check it out!)

I saw several parents driving by to stop and ask the admission price. They were all so happy to find out that it was free. The kids really had a great time.

All of the bikers were so nice. Some of them are members of my homegroup. I knew they were nice before ... but it meant something special to see them today. It makes me ask myself "When was the last time I did something nice for someone?"

I'm grateful for the example they set, and for the reminder they have given me.

Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

being 227 days sober
witnessing kindness today
AA buddies online and off
meeting up for coffee with friends
being exhausted after a killer workweek
having stepwork to do
my family still remembers my name. I haven't been home much lately.
my sponsor, because she's willing to talk with me every day
God, because He is speaking to me through so many different people and things right now.

PS -- For another story about people doing good in the world, check out [this story] about a "Secret Santa", who has given away $1.3 million to random people at Christmas time. What a great story!

so grateful today

2006-11-15T22:56:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm especially grateful because:

I'm sober.
Today was a difficult day, and I was grateful to realize that there's no such thing as a "bad day" as long as I get through it sober.
I have a job. I've worked 40 hours in the past three days, with 40 more hours to work through Saturday. I'm absolutely exhausted! But the good news is: It's all overtime pay! Woohoo :)
My kickass homegroup is awesome. Spending some time with those amazing people makes me feel almost human!
I'm developing relationships with other recovering alcoholics.
My sponsor is being incredibly patient with me.
My family is awesomely supportive of me.
I have everything I need.
I don't have everything I want. That's a very good thing.
I'm learning how to love people and escape my "shell" a bit.
I had a drinking dream last night. It was upsetting ... but I needed it. Re-experiencing the mindset of active drinking was a much needed shock.
God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. He's not changing my circumstances -- He's changing me.

willingness

2006-11-12T15:42:00.001-05:00

It was never in my life's plans to be an alcoholic. My first days in the AA program were filled with so much gratitude that being an alcoholic didn't bother me. I was so happy to finally have hope for recovery.

But later on, the thought of going to meetings for the rest of my life and constantly struggling with alcoholism frightened me. It especially scared me when AA long-timers would crawl into discussion meetings to complain about how horrible their lives are in sobriety. I didn't want that for myself. If that was all I had to look forward to in sobriety, then why not keep drinking?

I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I didn't want what they had. I wanted that sense of ease and comfort that alcohol at one time provided. And after these thoughts consumed my thinking during March and April, I ventured back into the bottle in search of that ease and comfort. I regained consciousness to find my arms slashed and a knife by my side. Obviously, no sense of ease or comfort was found in that bottle.

Alcohol had stopped providing me with ease and comfort a very long time ago. It now offers incomprehensible demoralization with the false promise of ease and comfort.

However, I have recently found that I can experience that evasive sense of ease and comfort when I find the sincere willingness to live without it.

I experience ease and comfort when:

I am willing to do what God wants me to do, rather than what I want to do.
I am willing to accept reality as it is, without attempting to control it.
I am willing to pray.
I am willing to ask for help.
I am willing to follow the advice and instruction of a sponsor.
I am willing to let go of previously held concepts and ideas (i.e.: "Hey, but I already finished that step!")
I am willing to live by spiritual principles.
I am willing to find gratitude in unpleasant situations.
I am willing to call someone every day, even when I don't want to.
I am willing to go to a meeting every day, whether I "need" one or not. (Meetings don't exist for me! Whenever I think, "I don't need a meeting", that means I have the responsibility of attending a meeting anyway -- for everyone else who does need a meeting. Imagine desperately needing a meeting but nobody being there.)
I am willing to grow.
I am willing to feel discomfort.
I am willing to be afraid.
I am willing to be wrong.
I am willing to help.
I am willing to listen.
I am willing to care.
I am willing to get hurt.
I am willing to make amends to everyone I have hurt.
I am willing to live the life of a sober recovering alcoholic.

And when I find willingness to do these things -- and actually DO them -- I experience the same sense of ease and comfort that I once felt alcohol had robbed from me.

The "Serenity Prayer" is very popular over here:

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The prayer seems to suggest that serenity is a requirement for acceptance ("Grant me the serenity to accept ...").

But to me, I think the prayer has it backwards. Serenity does not generate acceptance, but acceptance generates serenity. Willingness is the beginning of that process. When I become willing to experience the things I want to avoid, THEN I can accept the things I cannot change. Serenity is an effect or byproduct produced by that process.

As long as I seek to control or avoid an outcome, I will never experience serenity.

a desired change

2006-11-11T01:01:00.001-05:00

Went to my homegroup tonight (err -- Friday night) and had a great time. It's strange how my attitudes towards people are changing.

From when I first came into the program up until a month ago, it was all about me. I had problems. I couldn't stop drinking. I was depressed. I was upset. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just showed up and sat there as if expecting some sort of accreditation of sobriety and spiritual growth via "assmosis".

But as I fight out of that shell, my mindset is turning outward. I want to know more about everyone else. I think about them during my day and pray for them when it feels right. I'm starting to look forward to calling people -- not to tell them about my day, but to ask them about theirs. I really want to know. And that's different for me! I've never really had a genuine interest in how somebody else's day went, or how they're feeling ... but now I sincerely want to listen. Although it's still hard for me to open up and share, that will be the next change.

I'm also enjoying the stepwork my sponsor gave me. One assignment is to make a list of all of the ways I tried to control my drinking. The other assignment is to make a list of all of the ways my life is unmanageable. I can't stop writing.

I'm in the right place with the right people. Thank God.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 219 days sober
awesome AA buddies online and off
my kickass homegroup
my family, who has seen me for about 15 minutes total over the past week because I've been so busy working and going to meetings
my adorable dog, who still thinks I'm someone worth cuddling with
God, because I swear I felt Him with me over this past week

smoking dreams?

2006-11-08T23:00:00.001-05:00

In AA, I often hear people share their experiences with vivid and usually upsetting drinking dreams. I've had them too. There's nothing like that feeling of waking up and wondering, "Oh my God -- did I drink again?" The dreams seem so frightfully real. I was so relieved to find out that they are normal to experience.

Well every night over the past five nights, I've had dreams about smoking. This is especially odd because I've never even had a cigarette before. No cigarettes, cigars, drugs, nothing. So I don't know where the dreams are coming from or why I'm having them. To make things even more crazy, my mom has also been having dreams about me smoking. WTF?

I really don't want to start smoking. I have no desire to pick up another addiction. Alcoholism is enough. It bothers me that I don't understand why I keep having these dreams, and why she keeps having them too.

I suppose it's time to stop obsessing over the "why's" and the worries. They are only dreams. In the mean time, I have a job to perform, a program to work, relationships to build, and a Higher Power who has this seemingly chaotic mess in perfect order.

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely," (1 Corinthians 13:12, NLT).

I need to come to terms that it's okay not to have the answers. It is even okay to never have the answers.

Where is faith in answers? And how can I stay sober without faith?

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 216 days sober
my homegroup (Hey, I shared in a meeting tonight! Somebody check the weather -- because Hell must have frozen over!)
my sponsor and the stepwork she gave me to do
awesome AA buddies online and off
my supportive family members who understand when they only see me for five minutes a day so that I can go to meetings. Feeling dastardly selfish about that one ...
a job where I feel like my contribution is meaningful
God, because He knows all about my screaming defects -- and loves me anyway

glass half empty

2006-11-06T22:29:00.001-05:00

While getting dressed this morning, a series of thoughts ran through my head that perfectly captured my innate tendency to always see the worst side of everything in life.

I was in a hurry and hastily decided on an outfit. But I quickly realized that my slacks didn't fit. They were too big. I had apparently lost weight since I wore them last.

Now, I have been trying to lose weight over the past month. I have been eating healthy and exercising. But this morning when I realized that my slacks didn't fit, I became angry with myself for losing weight.

Ummm ... hello? Why on earth would anyone get upset for getting exactly what they wanted? But that's precisely what I did.

I see a similar pattern with other things in my life. Blessings are often first greeted with resentment and suspicion. In my mind, anything that seems too good to be true is too good to be true. Anything that seems to exceed my expectations must be a ticking time bomb waiting to go off the moment I trust it.

But deep down inside, I know that it really doesn't matter if something happens in my favor or against it. What happens, happens. It is what it is.

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."

I would like to get better at perceiving things around me in a more balanced perspective.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 214 days sober
making it to a meeting tonight
AA buddies online and off
learning to call AA buddies
my nice family
a nice comfortable bed ... I'm so tired
coffee tomorrow morning
God, who helps me when I let go

chasing happiness?

2006-11-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

From Twenty-Four Hours a Day, entry for November 4:

"We cannot find true happiness by looking for it. Seeking pleasure does not bring happiness in the long run, only disillusionment. Do not seek to have this fullness of joy by seeking pleasure. It cannot be done that way. Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life. True happiness comes as a result of living in all respects the way you believe God wants you to live, with regard to yourself and to other people."

This entry reminded me of the Coyote and Road Runner cartoon. The harder he chases after the road runner, the more pathetic the ending becomes. As he increases the ingenuity of his attempts, it merely increases the complexity of his failure (e.g.: he falls off a cliff, gets smashed by a giant bolder, and then blows up).

The harder I try to be happy, the more miserable I become. The faster I chase it, the faster it runs. It's only when I decide to stop, let go of my will, and give it to God that I can experience happiness.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 213 days sober
Amazingly Awesome AA buddies online and off
my supportive family, because they understand when I spend my evenings at meetings instead of with them
my sponsor, who has given me a bunch of work to do. I need it.
coffee, caffeine, computer, and car
sleep
God, who will enable me to do everything He needs me to do

tgfc

2006-11-03T23:58:00.000-05:00

TGFC: Thank God for Coffee! I'll be needing it over the next few weeks. My department will be working 7am-7pm Monday-Saturday through the end of November ... and possibly into December. Yippee. I'm just grateful to have a job, to be paid by the hour, and that I can still squeeze in my regular 8:00 meetings.

It was another awesome meeting at my homegroup tonight. I'm so grateful for everyone there! I feel like such a newbie. I can't read the Big Book fast enough, though I've read it already a few times. It's just too much to remember.

I read the Big Book before I came to my first AA meeting. I didn't want to bother going to an AA meeting without knowing if it could help me. I knew I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. But I considered AA to be just a punishment for drivers charged with DUI/DWI -- that REAL alcoholics (such as myself) are hopeless nutcases who either drink themselves to death or die in asinine accidents worthy of Darwin Award nomination.

If not for the Big Book, I would have never come to believe that anything could restore me to sanity. But when I read the Doctor's Opinion and Bill's Story, I saw that I shared a common experience -- and then I saw hope! When it said at the end of Bill's Story that he was the founder of AA, I cried out of gratitude for the first time in a long time. I came to believe that AA could help me.

So I don't understand how or why newcomers keep coming back to AA meetings when they haven't read the Big Book yet. If all I did was come to my first meeting, be accosted by an overzealous mob of well-intentioned people, and read the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions on the wall, I would have been scared off. The mob would have been instantly written off as fanatics.

Besides, what is so hope-spawning about the Steps or Traditions for a newcomer? What alcoholic has ever enjoyed reading rules and guidelines anyway? Sure, we also read the Ninth Step Promises, but those sound like too-good-to-be-true sales pitches to newcomers. Maybe I'm too cynical, but that would have also turned me away if I had not already been convinced that the program works.

We all arrive to AA in our own unique ways, and no one way is better than another. I guess I'm having a hard time identifying with newcomers who didn't arrive at AA the way that I did. I don't really know what to say or do to encourage them. I really don't understand why they keep coming back.

What made you keep coming back?

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

being 211 days sober
going to my homegroup tonight
AA buddies online and off
my cool family
finally finding out what's been making me sick (I've been breathing insulation in my car ... the vent is spewing particles and small chunks into the cabin, but I didn't notice until recently when I started my car in the daylight.)
getting to sleep in tomorrow
God, who provides what I need (not necessarily what I want) when I'm ready to handle it