Yesterday was a great day, and everything went well. I was happy. But for some reason yesterday afternoon, The Craving hit like a ton of bricks.
The wheels started turning in my head, "Go on, you need a drink. Nobody has to know. It will be fun! Just a few sips won't hurt." I even started thinking about the closest liquor store, and how I could drive there so easily. I felt guilty for just thinking such thoughts. Then the guilt made me feel like I needed to drink. (I didn't "need" to drink until the guilt crept in)
Nothing brought it on. I was HAPPY. There was no reason to even think about it. It just hit from out of nowhere.
So I called another alcoholic with many years of sobriety, and she said it was normal and that it still happens to her even after all these years.
In a way, that's comforting. But in another way, it's kind of depressing. I don't want to have these experiences for the rest of my life. "Normal" people don't have to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it either. It's upsetting ...
I should just be grateful that the problem is with craving alcohol -- and not with enduring chemo or skin grafts. "Normal" people don't have to deal with that either. But on the grand scheme of putting up with shitty deals, my problem isn't really that bad.
Today, I am grateful for:
- not drinking yesterday
- being 55 days sober
- being able to call other alcoholics
- having an amazing and wonderful guy in my life who mysteriously cares for me in spite of myself
- my awesomely cool family
- my sweet puppy, who has no idea what's going on, and just wants to play :)
- the cool people who read my blog
- God, who I will never understand. But I like it that way.